Spiralling down the rabbit hole

Fuck me Amy,

Things are going from bad to worse. I feel so out of it. Im so overwhelmed with everything. I just need to hang on til May 5 so that I can get my sabbatical. I just made a huge decision today I dropped out of my masters program. Its such a blow but I just cant foccus and do anything right now. I have to work to go to therapy, but im struggling to focus on what I have to do. I hate feeling this way. I am always tired and unmotivated. Im angry at myself for falling down so fast and so hard. I seriously dont do any work whats so ever. I hate it!!!

I just want to sleep away the pain. I want to be taken care of so badly. I want to win the lotto so that I can retire and be okay. So that I can focus on getting better and helping tohers. I want to do something great with my life, but at the moment im stuck and miserable. I afraid to die but cant continue to live like this. I dont want to kill myself but I do want to hurt myself. Im just having a really bad time. I hate this month. I want it to be over. I dont know what else I can do. The pills dont seem to be doing anything. I dont want to take more since they make me feel crazier. Im just afraid to be me.

Jimmy is in Sac for a couple days and I miss him dearly. I am all alone. He helped distract me but Im letting the depression overwhelm me and take me for whatever it is I have left. I just want to drop everything and go away for a long time. I want to be financially able to just leave for a couple months and enjoy life. I feel like im dying in this body, that everything is fallin apart and I dont have anyone to help me but myself. The weight on my shoulders is suffocating and im terrified. I cant continue to live like this anymore. I just cant. I want to be ok. I just long for a real vacation.