Started out happy

We’re back in Philadelphia after leaving Boston bright and early.  Same hotel as a few weeks ago.  This time we’re going to spend less time as tourists.  Just going to spend the night, have my consultation in the morning, and then be back in Boston by tomorrow night.  We’ve been happy at this hotel.  In the likely event that I have my surgery at one of these two clinics, this can be a nice place for Guy to spend his time while I’m in recovery.

The other clinic wants two letters of recommendation and I suspect this new place will too.  I’ll find out tomorrow.  I had asked for a second letter from my doctor (I already have one from my therapist).  But my doctor told me that the letters need to come from someone in the mental health profession, and he referred me to a hospital therapist. So I have been seeing this new therapist for the last two weeks.  We agreed that I would see him at least five times before he would give me a letter.

He seemed surprised when I told him the reason I was seeing him.  He said he never would have guess I was trans. That’s a good sign.  I always wonder if people look at me and can immediately tell, or if they just see me as a woman.

That’s been on my mind since yesterday because I had a weird conversation with Cindy.  She has pretty much completely regained her bladder control and yesterday suggested we go shopping because she wanted to buy some "big girl panties."  That’s exactly what she called them.  She said it in a very serious tone of voice but I have to guess she was trying to be funny.  Hopefully she doesn’t start talking in mommy-euphemisms like that because it will annoy me pretty quickly.

She really hasn’t worn underwear in years so I can understand the desire to get some new stuff.  We went to the Victoria’s Secret at Quincy Market and she stocked up on all sort of things.  I ended up getting a new bra because a sales clerk talked me into it.  I don’t need any new bras, but she was very persuasive. 

On the trip home on the T, Cindy made a comment that she is the only girl in the family who isn’t a lesbian.  I responded that I’m not a lesbian.  And she just laughed and said, "Well, I don’t think of you as a girl."  I was immediately shocked and I have to admit a little angry and offended.  I thought I might have to deal with that sort of thing from total strangers, but from my own sister?  And after years of her treating me like a girl without any question…?  I said the only thing I could think of: "What do you think of me as?"

I think she realized her mistake and started backtracking.  She told me she thought of me as a girl, but then said she didn’t think that I’m a girl the same way that she is a girl.  She said that she is a girl because she was born that way and that I am a girl by choice.

I started crying.  Right there on the train.  I couldn’t hold the tears in.  Cindy tried to comfort me and further explain herself, but it only made it worse.  I was very unhappy when we got home, and none of her apologies were helping.  Knowing that she didn’t see my as a real girl really hurt after all the years I have worked toward being accepted.

When we got home I called Megan and cried on the phone with her.  She just kept telling me that Cindy has so much shit going on in her life right now that I shouldn’t take anything she says personally.  So much going on?  I work two jobs AND go to school AND I’m the only one who cooks and cleans at home AND I’m in the process of preparing for a major surgery.  I’m so fucking sorry she’s has a child and another on the way but that has to stop being an excuse for her.  

I started this entry feeling happy and now I’m pissed at Cindy again.