Space Exploration

i’m going number two
for the first time on a toilet with buttons
more buttons than existed on all the appliances
in my family’s house
on the farm
in 1987

my friend told me a story once about
how she used it on the train and pushed some button
and someone came to the door and was all like
hey are you okay?!
don’t push the buttons, she told me
don’t push them!!!
but i’ve always been the curious type

there is one button
that looks kind of like
a pair of nipple-less boobs holding a divining rod
searching for groundwater
i think it is a butt

there is a serious-looking red button
that’s probably the one to call for help

another button shows a lady
(i can tell she is a lady because her picture has
a tiny pony tail)
she is being launched off of the toilet into the sky
it looks kind of like a water rocket
from science class
wearing a skirt
she has always wanted to be an astronaut

the third button on the row is bacon,
three pieces of it

my grandmother used to call what i am doing
“taking care of business”
to be honest i never really felt all that
business-like, before

now though, with this control strip next to me,
the robotic whirring of
unseen gears, somewhere beneath my ass
i feel like a real cosmonaut, engaged in
calculations and research
i wanna be like the lady
well on her way to space

i extend a finger, and press the lady

blast-off

in a moment, my toilet life up until now is
thrown into question
why don’t we have nice astronaut toilets like this
in america?
when i get back home,
i am totally buying this thing

a moment passes
i am well on my way to reaching
escape velocity
yeah you know,
i think this is probably my stop,
i have had more than enough
lemme just challenger this thing

but wait
time slows to a crawl as i realize
i have no idea
how to abort the mission

my thoughts blur together, i cannot even
i push the bacon and a hairdryer starts up back there
the auxillary engine, now i have done it

i push them, i push them all, i am
captain picard in his fancy chair
the wind is behind me
i start to panic, things are getting
uncomfortable, i see a minus button and press it a lot
the jetstream switches positions,
i feel like human yakitori
or when i do a lot of sit ups

don’t call the helper, don’t call the helper

i think of the tag line from alien
“in space,
no one can hear you scream”

if i stand up it’ll spray water
all over me and the room
i have to call the helper
i grit my teeth and
bracing for impact
press the helper button

when i push it the machine makes a sound like
one of the flying cars from blade runner
powering down
and the water stops

of course it does