On having lots of things

So in an effort to change my life completely, I’ve been working on trying to get into this JET program to go to Japan and teach English (now that I am done with my useless Master’s degree). It has created interesting conundrums: how does one who has traditionally prided himself on his massive collections of intricately sorted and organized video games, movies, and other ephemeral medias deal with the fact that he has so many of them that any sort of transitory life could be an annoyance?

Easy–[I] try to sever myself from it emotionally and mentally. The problem is that I’ve traditionally been so obsessively-compulsive when it comes to stockpiling these objects that it is a peculiar beast to tackle. I have dozens of video games I know I’ll never play again, but can’t entirely bring myself to sell them. Other ones, older ones, that are now available to play via other means (computers and handhelds and all these things) are easier to justify parting with as I just rip them to my computer and part ways.

But what keeps me hanging on to them anyway? I feel like maybe I’ll “need them” when I come back, or that I’ll want them. Some of me shares the opposite opinion: anything that holds me down is literally holding me down, and I sort of relish this opportunity to part with a large majority of my belongings.

It’s hard for me to really evaluate where I stand. Mentally I’ve begun to embrace the idea of freeing myself from it, but logically so many of the things have such variable values that I couldn’t and wouldn’t just throw or give it away and would prefer to sell it. This places barriers in the way, assuring these things will remain part of me and my tiny life in my eight by ten apartment.

Perhaps it is just physical space constraint causing me to believe it is mental constraint. Perhaps I want so badly to be freed from the clutter of objects and the attachment I have traditionally had to them that I see this as an all-or-nothing situation!

Regardless of this, the assumption that I make it to Japan is a grave one. I think at this point I may almost want it as badly for my personal reasons as I do for my professional ones; the ingrained desire I’ve always had to be comfortable and surrounded by the objects I want has rarely succeeded in making me happy. With so many things to occupy my time nothing often does. It is telling that I feel the most satisfied and accomplished when I am sitting at work with nothing but a laptop or when I’m away from home for a summer with few of the things I own.

If I don’t get to Japan I’m not entirely sure what approach I will take towards my own situation! It is a troubling thought to realize that perhaps the way I’ve always thought out of pure instinct and conditioning may not indicate the kind of person I actually am at all. I feel myself trying to become someone I’m not used to yet.

I suppose this is as good a time as any.