Lay Me Down

I’m very tired.  My eyes ache.  It is a dull pain that sits just underneath them, like the bags under my eyes were really weights.  I am restless in the evening.  I lay in bed and I fall asleep and I have bad dreams sometimes, sometimes they’re just bizarre, I wake up frequently, hours before I have to, pass out for 30 minutes, wake up again.  It is not hard to fall asleep, it is hard to stay asleep.

When I write as of late, it is a bit more fragmented then I’m used to.  I’ve taken up jotting notes on Notepad, mostly because if I just wrote free form like I tend to, it wouldn’t work.  Even this is a struggle to write as of now.  I’m not really in the mood to write or to work, I’m in the mood to sleep but I won’t.  When I take afternoon naps I just wake up more tired than before.  Sometimes I just sit around with my eyes closed thinking, that seems to make them feel a bit better….it’s both the denial of occular stimulation along with the slow slog of organizing thoughts.

There is nothing special about all of this, let me stress.  I consider this to probably be pretty accurate for a lot of people, although perhaps it translates into different physical manifestations.  Someone’s nervous tic, someone’s need to clean, someone’s desire to be around people.  For me, it’s just having my eyes closed, rubbing my neck, thinking quietly. 

I wonder if people understood each other if it would help.  I have this vague overwhelming feeling that it won’t, but that we’ll achieve it anyway.  I have always said I don’t care to understand other people fully.  I don’t need to be able to predict their thoughts, to know how to deal with the problems that arise in their personalities, in the conflicts that ensue.  It is far from the reason if people assume this is because I don’t care.  I care a tremendous amount.  I cannot help that, which makes it a bit worse, since it means I’m generally decent unconsciously and that’s not so fine a thing.  I consciously do kind things too, but some of it is diminished in my eyes by the accidental nature and general proclivity for me to be kind to people.  I indulge the wicked liars.  I allow people with only self-interest to surround me and become a part of my life.  They have lately stung me.  I have since tried to get rid of as many as possible and we’ll see about the future.  I have a feeling, someday, when all is truly settled, I may come back to them.  It is just my nature.  I want to be the good that I believe in. 

Many of my friends tell me to avoid this person or that person.  How can you talk to them?  Why waste your time making plans with him?  Him, her, this one, that one, most of the people I know seem to dislike 30% of the other people I know.  And most of the time, they’re all right.  That’s the thing.  We are all selfish, we are all careless, we are all self righteous and self important.  We are all arrogant.  We are not good at times.  But I think the hardest part is that most of us only see the good side of ourselves.  We see the bad side as "acceptable" even.  That, somehow, our mistakes are not as bad or that people who don’t like what we do should just pick up and move on.  Nobody really gets how we all just choose to ignore each other’s vices almost arbitrarily.  We connect to someone and we ignore the bad and others we don’t.  I get that.  It’s really all about choice in the end.

I’m so tired.  I wish I could understand how to overcome this.  It doesn’t matter how much I sleep, I’m still tired.  All of this is not a complaint, just an observation.  I don’t seek answers or support or kindness.  Everyone says that.  I have said it too frequently.  It is a strange paradox that I could care less what most people think of me and yet I always act in accordance with what the norm dictates and accepts.  I know what the world outside thinks of my actions and I attempt to fit myself into them, not caring if I fail, not caring if it is misconstrued. 

I’m waiting.  In waiting even, perhaps.  For what?  I have not quite decided.  I think I’m also waiting to see what presents itself…to see what happens next.  People are supposed to and expected to control their lives, take control, steer them where they want to go.  I think I’ve decided as much as I can.  The rest is up to others.  We are all dependent. 

A friend put up an ad for free black lab puppies found in the middle of the road.  Their faces are so sad and beautiful.  I wish I was willing to help more.  I sent a response to them telling where they could advertise and offering help but no response.  Perhaps one day.  Looking at them, I thought to myself, they weren’t always like this.  There are wolves in the world.  There are mongrel dogs, the kind that survive without master or caretaker.  Alone.  When you picture them you picture them ugly or mean or sad or dirty.  There is nothing fantastic about them.  And puppies….oh puppies are sweet and wonderful.  Lots of people love puppies.  They are dependent, they NEED you desperately.  They are wonderful creatures. 

Isn’t it funny how many people want to have a puppy, and how many people want to be a mongrel. 

One last disclaimer.  This was all thoughts.  If something struck you as relevant to you, then it was simply because it happened to be that way.  I have had no one in mind this entire entry…as I generally don’t.  Even this is a disclaimer for an unlikely source and I hope that those of you who are devoted readers won’t think this is directed at you.  You might anyway. 

Well, back to work.