The Romantic

This place still serves a wonderful function.  Once it was simply a place to chronicle a life that nobody could see fully or understand, to try and reveal what was in my head and in my heart so that at least I would feel like someone might be able to see it and understand it.  For the longest time I’ve yearned for someone to voraciously read every stupid, silly, infantile entry that had popped into my head and been placed in this diary.  A lot of my words were filled with beauty, many still are, and a great many were filled with a young boy’s rage.  Now, it has changed, it has adapted as I have changed and adapted.  For now, it will be the place to write a few things that will surprise and delight and intrigue and enamor with their discovery a single woman’s heart who I value so deeply. 

Lucky you, my dear, that you’re in love with someone who thinks of becoming a professor at some point in his life, because while you may "not know how to deal with love," I will teach you my dear.  I will hold your hand.  And if you run, I’ll chase you. 

It seems poetic and perfect the way things are right now.  Even my heart is a little frightened to trust it all.  I think that’s part of the poetry, though.  Here I am, rebounding from a relationship or two in a row with promises of marriages and Madeleines, long distance with younger, beautiful girls with a great deal of intelligence…the most recent rebound being from a girl who blatantly built falsities around herself in order to enamor me and then abandon me.  I suppose what bothers me more is that after all my telling her that what we were was right, she still left, and then later she came back.  Now I stand in a similar situation, though this time around she’s stronger and smarter (and purtier) and I keep waiting for the dream to end, for the clock to strike midnight.  The Prince must have felt similar thoughts…he’d been searching for so long…..was this too going to end?  It fits in many ways since I hold myself in such high esteem.  That and her sister has called me her knight in shining armor.  Picturing me in armor is not exactly a charming image, but it’ll do for now.

I love her madly.  And while I am able to celebrate this constantly and happily, I also know that it scares me a great deal, too.  I’m very happy to feel safe in my future, safe in my heart finally, something it has yearned for for a long time…some security and dependence….(the other girls before have always boasted about their reliability and responsibility and turned out to be quite undependable and seemingly incapable of self-analysis when it comes to their own maturity)….but what I’m scared of is that it could end.  Anything is possible.  I try to tell myself that how can anything be possible when I know so certainly that I would never walk away from her, but still, my mind and heart are not always rational beings….they have had their fair share of obstacles.

Funny this, I just want to keep going and going and going with this entry, but I feel like I don’t have anything definite to say…no words to express how much I love her, as cliche as it sounds.  But it’s true.  My first entry was titled "The Romantic," a title I gave myself where I talked constantly of what love was and is and what it should be like.  Now I’m the Romantic, it’s no longer a title, it is a truth.  And I know what love is about now, and most of it stays locked away in your heart only to be shown to the one you love. 

I won’t leave this place.  I owe it for her.