Woman, Woo-Man, Whoa Man.

"So I Married an Axe Murderer" is a pretty funny little film.  Hooray for Mike Myers.  I need to watch it all the way through sometime soon.  This will not be a work of overly stunning philosophy if you could not have guessed by now.  The weekend was a murder on my eyes as I watched big screen films all weekend and had to go to bed early in order to not go blind.  Oh dwell.

You know, I’ve never been good at the dating scene.  I’ve always been one to suddenly be in a relationship with someone I’ve been interested in.  I spend time with them, they come over and watch movies because they like me, too, and then, bam, we’re making out and the deal is sealed.  This is also because I come from a place and a time when I was immersed in other people’s lives.  High School and College are all about this.  People are wise to stick to those they meet there because the real world is far less enticing, interesting, and exciting.  It’s mostly filled with degenerates and freaks, the morally depraved and the utterly selfish. 

This isn’t a complaint.  I would not say I’m pleased at being single.  I would not say I’m depressed, or at least not to the level that people mean it when they say it generally.  I guess, I’m disappointed.  I find myself wondering what exactly is unappealing about me.  It can’t be this mood that I find myself in, I’m ever excellent at masking these things.  In fact, those who read this now are not really significant parts of my life…at least in the live part of it.  The three people who read this right now I’m all very fond of and Marie is my best female friend, but the fact is, she doesn’t (as no one here does) see me exist on a day-to-day basis in the flesh.  It’s quite different from what I project here.  Here is where my thoughts can live…where my feelings can burst out.  I spend my life controlling myself.  Mostly because there’s no point in not doing so, it always bothers people.  I’m the kind of guy who looks good in text and I guess seems something else in the flesh perhaps. 

Anyway, I digress.  Point being, the "dates" I’ve been on and the women I’ve met are all completely below me.  I’m sorry to sound so arrogant, but my roommates continue to ask me what the hell I’m doing with these people.  I mean, clearly I’m not trying to be with any of them or even date them after the first meeting, but I still want to retain them as friends because I feel that it’s important to do so.  I like people and even though these women have shortcomings, it’s no big deal.  I mean, let’s look at my track record since after Kate and I were finished for good.

Stephanie: Great while it lasted, a nightmare ever afterwards.  An exemplary example of why we have the word "potential" and it means something different from both "actual" and "eventual."  And I never got my book, had to buy the PS3 for myself to enjoy my Christmas, and still waiting to get the good Bond sets with my own money from Columbiahouse because this girl knew better.  Oh well, at least she seems to be gone finally.

Brittany: Brittany was good.  Nice, sweet, fun.  A nice hiatus from the crap and the crazy inbetween.  Don’t ask me why the hell she got back together with Greg, but I guess sometimes love is dumb.

Betty: Great to talk to on some levels…horrendously annoying on others.  She’s rude, self-absorbed, and thinks she knows everything.  She’s from San Francisco and just perpetuates that horrible stereotype of that city.  San Francisco is the new Beverly Hills, thinking it’s better than everywhere else without any thought about merit.  She also thinks she’s very attractive, which, unfortunately, she’s not.

Janelle: Crazy.  Fell in love with a mysterious guy from Canada who was a creep who also had no job, went to college off and on, doesn’t believe in cars or money.  Plays World of Warcraft all day long and finds it fulfilling to help people out on WOW…this is still the guy.  As for her, just stopped talking to me.  Don’t ask me why.

Jen: Really nice girl.  Had a good date.  She’s non-responsive though.  Wasn’t really interested in me I don’t think. 

Natalie: Nice girl.  Fun.  But not my type.  Doesn’t do the long term dating thing.  Doesn’t do many things that I personally do like to do.

There are others.  Tiffany, Ruth, etc.  All following two general trends: 1)Nice girls I’m just not into (mostly these girls are the social rejects, not all that attractive, and a bit razy) 2) Girls who I like but don’t give me the time of day.

It’s not really all that much, asking fora reasonably attractive girl to be interested in me.  I’m a reasonably attractive man.  I’m almost starting to believe that I’m actually freakishly ugly and just deluded and can’t tell.  Or perhaps there is something I do in conversation or in person that is horribly unattractive and no one will tell me.  Shit on that. 

My friend Alyssa says I’m the most girl-centered guy on the planet.  Oh, other guys are out for sex and such with women, but I’m looking for fulfilling relationships and marriage material.  And I am.  For me, I’m running out of time.  I’m buckling down on my life, I have a lot to do, I’ve been doing it at a leisurely pace, making up for the years of doing nothing but concentration on studies etc thanks to my parents demands and my own lack of will power to defy them too much.  I still haven’t had those years like other’s had….I don’t look for just random sex, I like a relationship attached to it, but about now, I’d be open to a good open relationship with a girl I’m interested in….just something to affirm in my own mind that I’m not relegated to appealing to the leftovers of society or those who have separated themselves on purpose in the hopes of showing their unique personality or their disdain with "the norm."

I would just like a relationship again.  Something fulfilling.  I hate being alone, unable to truly share.  Not the way I want to.  I feel unfulfilled.  I can continue on without it showing, it only wears on my soul and nobody notices that.  I’m a good actor, far better then anyone gives me credit for.  Or perhaps this is the way everyone works, constantly haunted by their past, unable to release it from their memory and, not wanting to either.

Anyway.  Back to work.