You’re Gonna Lose

What I hate most about work is how it saps all the life out of me in four hours.  I think I’d go insane if I was here for eight hours, attempting to stretch a workload of an hour and a half out.  It just doesn’t work.  So I hop onto all these great sites and hide them as much as I can, not because I can’t be on them so much as I don’t want to look blatantly bored at my job.  Such is life.

I made a statement to Betty on our date that I never really felt like I’ve been on a date before.  Like a REAL date.  I suppose in High School I went on a couple of them…but for the most part, during college at least, I went to parties and hung out with people in the dorm and we really basically started being with each other without the necessity of dates…or at least more than one or two.  This constantly finding things to do that are different than last time crap is kind of stupid and unnecessary and silly.  Dating in generaly is silly.  Relationships are great.  But even they have become silly.  Everything is a big god damn game.  If you play your cards wrong, if you choose the wrong answer, if you wear the wrong color or hate the wrong actor, you lose.  You’re going to lose, it’s an inevitability when dating is played like a game.

Certainly, what happens is that you don’t lose entirely.  Instead, you are sentenced to a seemingly perpetual Greek mythology-like Hell of pushing a rock up a hill to have it roll back down.  The person hears that you think Johnny Depp is an over-rated hack and they strike you down, you have to climb the damn pole all the way up again, trying to show how many other things you have in common so that the person can ignore the fact that you disagree.  Because people are horrible, they spend their time hating each other because they disagree, or not associating with each other because they disagree, or being spiteful, vengeful, and acidic.  They spit conceited, self-important venom at those who are other than themselves.  We’re all guilty of it to an extent.  I hope I’m not as extreme as I feel most people are.  I’m always willing to give people a chance.  I think some would argue against this.  My eyes are killing me again and I need to lay down.  Fuck this screen.  Fuck this computer desk job.  I don’t mean it.  I don’t hate my job, I just hate the lack of work and the time it sucks out of my life.  I don’t even really hate that.  It’s just unsettling to have to pretend like I’m doing work when I can run rings around my fellow employees.  Enough whining.  That wasn’t the point of this.

I’m not a fan of being single.  My mindset is logical on this, or at least as logical as I tend to allow myself to be.  There are two goals in my life, be a successful writer/actor/director (any one or all of those) and have a family in the pretty traditional sense.  Now, I will always be able to write, or at least, until the day I’m stricken into a coma and most of my normal functions cease to work, I will and can write.  The ideas form in my head, they grow there, for the most part all that remains is to put them down on paper.  But a relationship and a family still seems lofty and ambiguous and perhaps unattainable.  So I set my mind and sights on it.  I go on dates.  I seek women.  But I have yet to find the one.  I feel that this is more important, that each year that slips by is a vital year to possibly stake a claim on my second goal.

Perhaps I’m not meant for it.  If this is so, what a tragedy in my opinion.  What a silly entry this has become.  There were noble intentions and things to write but my mind is a fragmented, crappy mess.  It has been months since I’ve really felt altogether.  The world is slowly wearing me down again.  People are making me miserable.  I’m not depressed in some senses of the word, but to look out and see people being so so so so so stupid and selfish and ignorant and just plain fucking idiotic and immature.  It’s weighing more heavily on my heart than perhaps I should let it.  Oh dwell.  I can’t really change their minds.  I need to get out of this cubicle for the day.  Soon.  Hopefully soon.