If You Never Try, You’ll Never Know

I refuse to be discouraged by people and I refuse to be shaken.  My confidence won’t go away.  I will not let it be broken apart.  If have to cultivate a bit of paranoia to satiate my pain, to let my heart know I’m watching out for it, then so it must be, but I will not give up on my confidence.  One person doesn’t characterize a whole.  Last night I talked with a girl who was delightful to listen to and discuss things with. We discussed literature and film and politics and music and wonderful things.  And she reminded me, god damn it, of Stephanie.  I was going to say too much so, but then I realized that it’s not her fault that she likes the things she does.

I told her last night about it.  I told her that as much as I detested Stephanie’s personality, to be like her in most ways was to be the epitome of compliments from me.  I adored the way Stephanie was when she was….I guess being what I wanted and hoped for her to be.  Betty (her name is Betty) assured me she would not do the same things that Stephanie had done after I divulged a brief and relatively uncomplicated version where all Stephanie did was break-up with me at Christmas time and hold my gifts ransom because "she knew better."  I did not complicate things with Jamie and the pleas for reconciliation without any heart and with refusal to actually do what I asked to reconcile.  It didn’t matter.  I knew she’d refuse anyway.  There are just so many standards that Stephanie has for one reason or another she is unwilling to shake loose so that people can’t get past them.  She has walled herself in to a point where only the narrowest margin of people can really reach out and connect with her.  It was a defense mechanism cultivated from poor relationships with others.  A prime example of why you don’t react universally to the singular actions of a singular being.  You end up cutting off all the variation from life.

It was wonderful, in a way, to talk with Betty, mostly because she liked what Stephanie liked and it gave me a kick to move towards reading and listening to all the things that I just didn’t feel interested in listening to because Stephanie had recommended them.  I wasn’t sure whether she’d want me to anymore….but now I have someone else to share that stuff with.  This was all petty anyway and it’s good to get over that silly hurdle and get on with life properly.  This will be added to later, I can go home now and I will write more from there….

AT HOME

After finishing Matchstick Men and filing my tax returns (hooray for some nice money) I return to this.  I’m not sure where my thoughts were going when I stepped away.  In fact, generally I’m not a calculated person when it comes to being who I am.  Calculation is something meant for people trying to manipulate.  I just sort of exist in this world, being who I am and reacting to situations as they occur.  It is said that the best gunslingers never drew first, due to the fact that the unconscious reflexes tended to be faster than the conscious ones and whenever confronted with more than one adversary especially this was the case because it allowed the out numbered cowboy to react to whoever was faster rather than hoping to catch the one that was quicker first without knowing for certain. 

Calculation and logic to me are great for argumentation, for a battle of any sort.  But I find that they are not things to use in life to frequently or you will not understand humanity at all.  Humans don’t think logically, in fact it is one of the signs of insanity — a person who thinks too logically.  Perhaps logic would be the ideal way to exist, but I find that the mentality that one should act foreign to the world and hope the rest aspires or recognizes the merit of that personality a bit idealistic and foolish.  It is better in my mind to attempt to reach the same level of communication and thought as those you wish to change and progress with them.  You never know, you might find their way of thought better.  I often have.  I wanted to be reasonable in this world, but the world is unreasonable and that, in many ways, is better.  With reason, there is less room for the magic of triumph, there are no obstacles….if everything can be calculated in a sort of Gattaca-esque fashion, than the truly phenomenal would not be as common place or as encouraged as it is now.  We must forever allow the impossible to exist and in order to allow it in one form, we must allow it in all. 

Stephanie put a lot of stock in logic and calculation — it was in my mind always her tragic flaw.  She was so constantly adherent to the rigors of method, calculation, logic, reason, and deliberateness that she was oblivious to her constant human inconsistancies and frequently would fail to rebel because it was much more logical and efficient and beneficial to not rebel.  Why stand against your parents when they can be monetarily valuable?  Because they do not nurture the spirit and the heart of the human being…they nurture the health.  Betty asked if I minded someone who smoked a lot and I don’t, even if they taste a bit like ash I don’t.  Why?  Because I would rather die early with good people than live forever without them.  People’s vices don’t bother me…not the superficial ones.  I can’t personally handle drug users who use anything really strong like crack or cocaine because I can’t handle needles and such….but other than that, I don’t care.  Tattoo yourself, pierce yourself, smoke weed, drink too much, eat too much, eat too little, do anything you wish and be who you are and be wonderful.  Be human.  Recognize the humanity of everyone.  

I hate the factionizing of this country into Republican, Democrat, Centrist, Socialist, Idealist, Humanist, Racist, Catholic, Christian, Lutheran, Methodist, Agnostic……they’re all stereotypes and if you want to turn them on against me I’ll turn them against you.  Yes, if I have to be one, I’ll choose Conservative and I’ll turn stereotypes on you that make you feel uncomfortable but are touted frequently.  Nobody is that black and white and nobody is that unintricate.  It’s ridiculous to hate/dislike Republicans….they’re not all bad.  Same with all sides.  Some just don’t know better, others just believe more against a certain side than they believe in the side’s supposed opposite.  We are each individuals belonging to only one group, humanity.  And besides, political and religious views are all well and good, but they both have failed constantly to reform the human species into a decent creature…because they attack/build dogmas and templates that do not reach the right areas of the human heart. 

I still love Stephanie.  I can’t help it.  There were things about her that were enchanting.  She was, I had thought, a great paradox.  But she was more a chaotic contradiction, two sides warring, the wrong side winning.  I thought I might be able to nurture the other side and for awhile, I thought it was working.  I failed her perhaps.  I’m as guilty as anyone for not communicating in the right language at tim

es.  I hope she’s happy whatever she’s doing.  Sometimes I still visit her myspace just to see what’s going on with her, but I’m not going to make anymore efforts with her.  I tried, but I didn’t handle it in the way that she wanted and so she closed off and continued to sting me.  She was ever the demanding one of people kowtowing to her…I hope she becomes aware of that.

That’s all I really have for now.  I’m going to watch a movie and maybe call Betty and maybe write and maybe not do another god damn thing all night, because I just sometimes feel like that now.  My motivation, my energetic love, were ripped from me like a Bandaid and it still stings….hopefully I won’t forever be this way.  I think I probably will.  I’ll reclaim my love, a different love, a sort of warped love….the love of a whole heart pieced back together…it won’t be the same as it was before, but it will be all I can offer.  Such is life.  Such is what I have had to offer to every girl after the first and every girl up until the last.