Penguins and Cats

"And I’m divided between penguins and cats,
But it’s not about what animal you’ve got,
It’s about being able to fly,
It’s about dying nine times."
                                     -Belfast by Katie Melua

Damn you Katie Melua for making lyrics I thought were ridiculous and I can now see the merit of.  Sure, there are some far strung conclusions being drawn from all this but that’s the way it goes.   I’m hoping this entry heals something rather than breaks more things…but lately I don’t seem to be able to do anything but damage. 

When I think of you, Kate, if you read this, I’d like you to know that I always think of the way you ran to me when ever we saw each other.  I would say above everything else I miss that.  There are many things I do not miss, but there are many many many more things I do.  I don’t care if I look like the idiot for being the one that  says "I miss you" first.  But I do miss you.  I miss talking to you.  I miss having a hand in the aspects of your life where you need help.  It’s in my nature to care for people paternally and want to be good to them.  It is in all our nature to go against that and lash out when we’re attacked or affronted or insulted.

There’s no good way to say any of this on here because it becomes long-winded and there’s little room for rebuttal and it just comes out as a long spewing of words and feelings without another person to either give value to what you say or to hurt you again so that you stop and don’t bother.  I think anyone who meets me would say that I’m pretty good at the whole getting up and getting knocked back down thing…but anyway I’m rambling.

I just wanted to say that I remember the way you ran to me and it is one of the sweetest images I still have.  I also remember the way you giggled, I remember the things we did together, the movies we went and saw, I have tangible memories that I cherish.  I also remember all the many times we died along the way.  I know that things have been said that were hurtful on both ends, probably more on mine but I’m not sure.  Good intentions I guess are over-rated nowadays, which in my mind is too bad.  But no, I will not let the intentions of things die.  I’m just too fucking stubborn and I’m too fucking right.   Maybe we have another life left, not a relationship one perhaps, but at least a friend one.  That’s up to you and either way I understand.  I can’t say I like the one way, but I’m learning how little say I have in things of this nature.

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Penguin, I love you.

I wish it were that simple but you have made it not.  I understand why and I don’t.  I understand why you need the time and that’s I guess going to have to be good enough for me.  I’m not going to say I’m happy about things, but I’m not going to say that they’re going to hurt me now.  I’m trying very hard for you to not be hurt  by what needs you have that stand in complete negation of my own.  You’ve got to do what’s right for you first.  After all, how well do you even know me….just a few days.

A lot of thing have been said between us as well.   So many many many good things before this.  Quite a few bad as of late.  I remember your silliness.  It’s hard to not remember you since we spend so much of our day with one another….but there are many things that I will say I cannot forget.
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I will say I have learned many lessons recently.  I learned from Kate about the importance of keeping the connection alive and perhaps in a way, my willingness to cut you down and off slowly in pieces is now my punishment with  Penguin. 

I have learned that what you want and what you get are two very different things and that pride is utterly useless when it comes to loving and that it is utterly useless, however, to fight against your own pride which stings without your wanting it to and burns inside with indignation too frequently.   Funnily, although I think NONE of us would like to admit it and me only slightly less than you both, you two are very alike at least in your relationships with me.  Maybe I’m completely wrong.  As of now, my mind’s a bit dismantled.
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I will say this.  That despite all the dismantlement, there is one thingI will refuse to believe otherwise.  It’s the idea that you can take back the things that have happened.  Certainly there are laws of the conservation of matter and in return there must be laws in the conservation of consequence and emotion…but there is such a thing as paying for all the hate with equal parts love and recognizing what words were mistakes to have said and detrimental to the good of everything and realizing that you can repair them.  You may not be where you were when you began, but you can be in a better place looking towards a better goal with better eyes.   Penguin, if things can’t be taken back, then I’m broken and can’t be repaired.  And you made me believe otherwise. 
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I don’t want to say anymore tonight except good things. 

For Kate, I remember the way you ran to me.  I cherish the picture from Marley’s together.  I loved when people would recognize you for your role, not because it was me, but because it was you.  I may have demanded things of you, but to the end you could have refused to do them.  Perhaps you know that better now having directed some shows yourself.  I remember The Jerk and the dinner you made, I remember the bubblebath, I remember the various times at my parent’s house which you can feel secure in knowing may be the last.  They’re selling it.  I remember the way you love puppies and babies.  I can’t forget the two years now that we have known each other. 
For Penguin, I remember the airport and laying in bed with a splitting headache.  I remember that you were so very right about the Blueberry Porkchops.  I remember all night conversations and rushing to get home to you nearly all the time.   I remember making fun of your family together back when you didn’t like them and wanted me to make them unhappy in the future.  I remember.

I remember both of you fondly.  I love you both, in different ways.  Maybe you cannot take things back.  Maybe, however, you just stop letting them affect what is yet to come…