I Choose Me

Whatever this is, judge me for it however you wish.  I was going to ask for something else, but asking does nothing and I can only leave it to you to decide what it is: hypocracy or paradoxical truth.  All this from an early morning email before work.

What do I want?  A lot.  What do I expect?  A lot.

I came to a conclusion halfway between a dream and waking up too early that I say, like so many people, "my problem is," when I don’t really mean it.  What I really mean is "Your problem is."  I’m not going to change really.  If I do, it’s only because I choose to do so over time through my own decisions, so I guess I’m wrong in expecting others to change because I explain things to them or I tell them to.  I’m not going to expect it of them anymore.

Expectations are useless anyway.  They lead only to disappointments.

So instead I’m expecting nothing from anyone and to be honest, at least at this very moment, I feel that there’s very little I want from anyone.  The things I want I cannot have because I can neither ask for them to be fulfilled without lessening the power of receipt nor can they actually be granted to me by the people who have the power to, because they, like me, are living lives of their own for themselves.  I cannot be as selfless as I wish I could.  No one else IS as selfless as I wish they were.  Which isn’t anymore than me.

And I was narrating this all out on the drive to work as I listened to terrible songs on the radio and I decided as I pulled up that I’m not going to be even-handed and patronizing of myself, I’m not going to demean what I really feel, I want to, now more than ever, represent what is burning in my core.

I am smarter than everyone I know.  It’s true.  I am not, however, infallible.  And I HATE having my errors pointed out to me as if the fact that I was wrong is evidence that I’m unintelligent.  I am willing to admit that my cutting arrogance drives a lot of people crazy and probably subconsciously drives even more crazy, but I won’t back down.  I have spent my life dedicated to learning, becoming wiser, being introspective.  I have been lonely most of my life and my companion and aspiration has been knowledge, a knowledge that would give me justification for my loneliness, a justification for spending years less than happy.  I don’t care that I wasn’t happy to be honest.  I care about the fact that other people think they’re as smart as I am.  They’re mother fucking not. 

I didn’t get the girls I wanted years ago.  That was something tragic for me.  I still can’t get those girls though I love them to this day.  That’s a sad thing that I can’t control.  I compensated with knowledge.  I compensated by being a good person.  I am a great person.  I don’t whine.  This is not whining.  Whining desires pity.  I don’t want fucking pity from people I think have bigger problems than my own, because I generally think I’m probably also one of the happiest people now on the planet.  I don’t really want much of anything from anyone as I said before. 

And yes, at other times in this very journal I have asked for things that I do not want now.  I have changed you mother fuckers.  So don’t come throwing or EVEN thinking about how I’ve asked for other things at other times as if that somehow negates my statements now.

I’m so angry right now I can’t even fathom where it’s coming from.  But I am extremely angry.  I am angry at bad people for doing terrible things to others, I’m angry that there are so many people so heavily flawed presuming to know how to tell others to live their lives.  That’s not me either.  I don’t want you to look to me for advice.  I don’t want you to look to me as inspiration.  If you ask me for advice I’ll tell you what I think, but I should stop that, too, because it only frustrates me more, because when I give my opinion then I get to listen to the asker refute it.  I don’t want fucking debate!  I had that with my parents.  It’s pretty clear to me.  There are things that bad people did to me that I never want to have done again.  I don’t like getting pushed.  You push me I will strike you.  I will put you down.  If I don’t, then you’re lucky and you’re just adding fuel to my inner raging fire. 

I don’t like being told I’m wrong when I’m not.  I don’t like being doubted.  I don’t like being lied to.  I hate talk.  Everybody is going around talk talk talking about all these things and doing nothing about them.  And they hold everything under the same definition that is different and they hold everything under separate definitions when it’s the same.  It’s agggravating.

I love Nate and Jess and Marie’s friendship.  It is free of expectations.  They are my friends.  They trust me, they believe in me, we talk and when they criticize (rarely and mostly Nate) it always is right.  It is always accurate.  I count the days until Nate moves out here because I don’t think I could live without him as my friend.  He is always right when it comes to the things he thinks are wrong with me.  He gets it.  And when he says he’s coming out and then misses the date, I don’t care because I don’t have to.  It’s not like that, because if I miss a date, he doesn’t care either.  Because we are only friends.  Best friends, but just friends.

Love is not something that I can handle because I give more than I receive and I resent it.  I HATE it.  I don’t care who it is and what they think they’re doing, but saying that you love someone is not the be all and end all of existance, because you will say "I love you" to boyfriends that will pass and you will say it to "boyfriends" after me, you will say it to close friends and family and mean it very sincerely and then when they hurt you badly you will cut them off even though that is not what the meaning of love is.  Love unrequited is still love.  Love should not be dependent upon the other persons’ love.  "I loved her, and not even she could take that away from me" — Adaptation  I cry every time he says it, because it’s beautiful.

For me, love is more than words, it is in the actions.  That’s one thing Kate has always been good at, the little actions and the big actions that show she cares.  On the other foot, I never feel I get the right amount of respect as a person from her.  I know I also don’t give it very well.  We’re both very stubborn in our decisions about what’s right and where life is going and we also both don’t believe that the other is handling their life very well.  I think I probably resent that insinuation about mine more than she resents my insinuation about hers….but I know it’s not a good thing for any kind of relationship to think such things.  But I can’t help it.  I chose my goal and never faltered, perhaps had to climb some obstacles, but never did I turn my eye from the prize.  I may take a job as a professor down the line to make money and be stable for children, but I wont’ stop writing s

creenplays and I’ll get up and go when Hollywood says "Yes."  I NEVER will give that up.  It is my goal and I won’t change.  Other people have other goals, some people can’t name them.

I hate not being at a loss for words but knowing that if I say what I’m thinking and feeling I’m going to make people angry.  I hate that people pretend that I’m wrong.  I hate swallowing all my anger.  I hate that people aren’t mature enough to hear criticism.  I hate that humanity has made everything so damn convaluted that everytime I open my mouth to say something or write something here that sounds like this people will label it as whining, venting, that I’m just as guilty as everyone else.

I wish I was mute and could fine a nice mute girl who appreciated silence.  Who could appreciate watching movies and not having to think anymore about life.  I spend my days analyzing EVERYTHING and nobody gets that I’m smarter than them, that I caught it all before em, that I caught more.  They ignore blatant evidence.  They don’t see how pieces fit together at all.  OHHHH yeahhhh….I can analyze metaphor in this amazing way, I pick up on innuendo meant or not, I pick up on connotations that nobody notices were there, I pick up on all these things, see all these angles that nobody else sees or don’t see until I say something or see far after I do.  OH yeah, I do those things, but am I more introspective?  Do they think that I am?  Do they think that I think things through?  Do they think that I’ve looked at all the angles?  Do they think I understand what I’m saying?  No.  They don’t.  And most who say that they do believe that are liars either conscious or subconscious.

I am only ashamed of one thing.  That I feel any of this.  If I could take a wand and wave it and remove this anger and resentment, this outrage at people ignoring everything I’ve invested my life in, the demeaning of it, the dismissal of my life and my mind as equal to their own, as equal to just anybody else’s…….I would do it even though it’s not right.  I should probably feel this way for feeling so demeaned and belittled even by accident….but I would rather not.  I would rather be everything everyone wants me to be and I try.  And that’s the worst thing I could do.  I don’t know which way I’m going to land when I, the coin, finally hits the floor….whether I will stop trying and be viscious or if I will find a way to remove this anger….or perhaps I’ll just stay in the air, spiralling out of control like a dervish of chaos, destroying everything in my path by giving so much and then, when it does not fulfill me enough, taking it all away and probably pulling with it a little more than what I put in. 

I’ve told people before that I’m a wreck that can’t be fixed.  I think I’m wrong.  I’m not just that.  I’m also a wrecking ball that can’t be stopped. 

Just get out of the way.