Standstill

Waiting. Is there anything more annoying?

I got a paper that was due today postponed because I’m just drained for creative juices or inspiration. Instead, I’m just going through the motions. And now, because I did, these next two hours are spent waiting.

What for? For everything really.

I’m waiting for lunch to be served so I can go get some before I hop on the road and go home for two days for a slight Easter break. I’m waiting for Project Greenlight to come back with the top 100 scripts, and the more I think about, the more I’m not holding my breath. I read my script again yesterday and I was very proud of it, I think it deserves to win. I guess the problem is, I don’t think most producers might want it. But who knows, Project Greenlight has always quested to impress at Sundance. My film is that kind of film.

I’m also waiting for the callbacks for the movie audition I had. It sounds all right, I know I’m probably the best actor they had show up, since their casting calls seemed sparse and the men their weren’t even actors except for me and a couple others. But who knows on that. I’ve been waiting for ever for Ken to send me word about his plans for the Summer, but that one is pretty much a no go.

I’m waiting for anything from the barn. It would be a shame if I got nothing. I’ve given up hope for Hal in “Proof,” even though I think I’m destined to be the perfect Hal — I mean, whose a bigger math dork then me? As for Terry’s show, after the whole “My Fair Lady” fiasco, who really knows?

I’m also waiting for inspiration for this damn one act that I’m supposed to write, because I just don’t feel up to it. For me, the juices have to be flowing, I need to feel a kinship…a need to write…a passion. I don’t right now. I sometimes think it might have been squashed.

School should be over now. As should Laramie. I’m waiting for both these things to end. I’m not looking forward to summer, in fact, I’m dreading it because it’s probably just going to be working at home for most of it…but I’d rather be making money then sitting through 3:30 hours of cry fest. That and listening to boring actors think they’re good because they can talk like they’re human beings. Bleh.

What else am I waiting for? I’m waiting for next year’s Christmas show which I get to direct. I’m glad that I have such an amazing production crew…inexperienced, but excited and creative. I’m waiting for the show to blow people away and for those god damn nay-sayers to eat their fucking words.

To break up the monotony of this essay, I’m going to talk about a question posed me last night. Why am I here? At River Falls, that is. Some people think I hate it here, which is not true. Some people think that I’m wasting my time here, which is somewhat true. The fact of the matter is, it boils down to three major components. One: lack of talent. These people here lack it. It gives me a major leg up on getting roles. Hell…I’ve been in every show this year! Every one! That’s an accomplishment in my mind. Two: Distance + Money. The further I get away from my parents, the more money I need to ask of them because I can’t go home on vacations and gas is expensive. I really am factoring that in now as everytime I ask for money it’s like pulling teeth when they really shouldn’t be so damn picky. They still give money to fucking Dave. My tab is nowhere near as high, thank you very much. And Three: Stubbornness. I don’t want to leave. I’ve worked hard here. Just because there are some uncreative morons who think they have monopoly over this department doesn’t mean that I should get up and leave to a place where I can just HAVE my way. I want to MAKE my way. And I want to prove these people wrong. I really want to go toe-to-toe with the faculty and Wayne and people like that and say: “Hey…the world is not about practicality and simplicity. We shouldn’t do shows because they’re easy and cost little. We shouldn’t do mediocre shows. We should do GREAT theatre. Theatre has to be GREAT or what is the point?

Last night I was told that my proposal was too personal and unprofessional. They may be right. I said that we did fluff here for student theatre shows. That was not a lie and that was not opinion, anyone would agree that that is fact. Still, they say that attacking the department serves nothing. Well, of course, because if someone attacks the department, it only accomplishes speaking the truth. The fact is, I’ve never claimed to not be controversial. I’ve never claimed to be the optimistic hero of the department who lifts us up. I’m more fucking practical then the practical people. The fact of the matter is: we don’t get the benefits we deserve because we don’t deserve them. Actors in general are selfish, self-destructive fools. It’s the same everywhere. It’s Mike’s ultimate problem. The kid could probably be a much better actor, but he’s too busy worrying about how he looks and making sure that people watch what he does. He doesn’t understand what acting is. Not many here do. Many here know what performing is. They know what standing on stage and reading lines powerfully, emotionally and psychologically driven even, but they don’t know how to do it without being partially themselves. Maybe people would say I don’t either, but I tend to disagree: usually because I don’t agree with my character.

I’m also waiting for The Punisher and Kill Bill 2 which come out in a week. Oh sweet lord that should be amazing. I’m also waiting for other things I’m not going to talk about on here, because I don’t want to bore you any longer and some things are just too personal or secret for me to divulge to you unless I know who you are and want you to know. Now don’t I sound the mysterious one?

I guess, in the end of this entry that also helps chronicle my development as a person, I guess I just wish more people aspired and dreamed to be better. I guess I just wish people wouldn’t believe that they’re always right. I wish that people would more often take into consideration the fact that they might be wrong. Oh, I know I do the same thing, but I think English majors in general have the greatest advantage in this area. Science, Math, and most other realms deal in fact. Theatre teaches arrogance. English majors learn to listen, they learn to think like others, they learn to question everything.

I know I’m stubborn as hell and confident to boot. The problem is, so is everyone else in the theatre department and some of them are blatantly wrong.