Misanthropic Ballad

A hammer to the head, and maybe then

my ideas,

my thoughts,

my desires

will spill out and as oft they

push and pull my tongue

around they’ll get up and do their dirty work

so I may finally see my time come

and all the things that seem to hold themselve in,

release…..

I won’t be able to question every motive,

 obsess on all the possibilities of what might not be and what probably is….

Until my head spins and spins and spins…..

But instead before I can apprehend

my thoughts and passions at their raw

to mold them into vagueries,

They’d spill them out for people to hear and at last I could be free:

Sometimes I wish I could say those words

that sound so corny once they’re heard,

Doting upon your eyes or your smile

as if my eloquence did achieve some sort of lover’s mastery:

and maybe it does.

But I can’t say the words,

because if they’re not so good,

 if they are just wastes,

I don’t want to defile you or your name.

I don’t want to lessen you, like I do,

so silence is all that I can give to you.

And I wish somewhere there was written down

 the unparallelled words that finally might come out just right.

I would search out this tome with all my heart

if my mind thought for a moment that it did exist.

I wish you could forget.

A fresh start perhaps

where I could appear again and be what you wanted in every way.

But I’m not

and can’t

and won’t

because I am me,

and this statement is what breaks my heart most

and it is cruel to hear it in my head.

Because I am not the thing that you should have….

I am less, and still I need you all the more.

No, I am not handsome Adonis,

chiselled features and burning ember eyes

that set my sights and fancies to smouldering delights.

I do possess in bounty plenty, brains and eloquence,

My talented tongue knows bounds but has none it cannot break,

save one.

And for this, this one, it holds tight my tongue.

Yet, if a hammer then,

I’d be a victim and then

Where is that courage that would justify

That the desire I hold is true,

The tremendous ache that radiates within my soul like a nova’s glow

is an unending desire, a deep lust and adoration of your beauty and yet,

 it must be true. And I must prove it true to you.

So I may choose to lose this pain with a hammer to the head,

But I cannot strike for fear of shame,

Neither side has good and no ill,

But I will remain with fear and will.