Another Day

Well, so nothing really all that eventful going on today.  Just sitting around, doing laundry and ironing and homework, bored a bit too much out of my mind.

Last night, Andy and Nate and Nate’s friend Katie came over and we smoked a couple of bowls.  This was only my second time and I started to feel the effects of it finally, but they weren’t all that strong….all that happened is my mind got a bit funny and I was rather tingly.  Actually, I still feel that way in my head.  Maybe it wasn’t the pot at all.  I just don’t feel right anymore.  It’s a strange thing.  I wonder how many other people in the world are feeling this exact same way right now.  There is a great yet indescribable comfort in not being alone, even when the loneliness you bear is one of misery.  But that is human nature also, like so much else.

Funny, I was roaming the internet, examining stuff about movies and music, and then I came across my horoscope.  It’s funny how well it fit.  But to clarify, I do not believe in these things:

There is a deep longing for you to be comforted and reassured, dear Leo. You may want nothing more than for someone to come over to your house and fix up some warm homemade soup. If this is the case, feel free to pick up the phone and ask a good friend to come over and do so. Don’t continue to play the part of the strong independent one if this isn’t exactly the way you are feeling. If you are never honest about your needs, it will be impossible for anyone to know how to fulfill them.

Then again, I really don’t want soup right now.  Maybe pizza or chicken kiev, or who knows what.  I think the last sentence is especially true, and the fact is, all this gutter-walking gets me to think about who really is to blame.  And in the end it’s me.  Objectively examining the situation, there is nothing that should hinder me from moving on beyond things that have happened before.  Fear is a useless emotion.  And yet, looking subjectively through the eyes of myself, I’m not sure I wish to jeopardize things that are already good. 

I’m too busy thinking about my relationship as the friend of a person.  That’s the thing.  People who say love is sacrificing for others is wrong.  That’s what friendship really is.  Love is a self-centered, demanding tyrant that tries to destroy what is already good in people and force them to either mold themselves into things they hate, or mold others into the self-same things.  Love is ugly.  And yet it is also beautiful.  A paradox.

Now I’m ranting.  I wish I really knew what I thought about things.  I am too open-minded and objective to stop myself from examining all sides of the issue. 

Bleh.  This is a wasted entry.  Just more repetition on life really.  I’ve got a strange headache and sitting in the apartment alone watching movies is not making me feel all that well.