Sonnet #7: Jessica

Bright and loud like a neon sign,

Screaming out from the city’s dark,

Wrapping yourself around all space and time,

Mesmerizing everyone with what you are.

You were once a beacon, small and white,

That drew the rovers in and gave them joy,

You sheltered them with your smile from the night,

And not a moment was it but a ploy,

You were the only truth that some did know,

And I believe truly that you could be it for many more,

Yet those days have passed and I let you go,

Though I have learned that it never can be like before.

Where e’er you are this very day,

My care shall hold you if it can be carried when I pray.

<I> Then: </I>

Jessica Gast and I met during ‘You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown.’  She was the loud, energetic and ever-perfect Lucy.  And she was the ever-perfect Lucy.  She couldn’t sing, nor could she dance that well, nor had she acted all that much, but she had the promise and the power to do a show incredibly well because she had something that can make an actor: charm.  She had so much energy and such an innocent energetic effervescence that the audience loved her.   And rightly so.  And every role she ever did since was the same way….always winning the audience over with that energy.

For me, I was in love with her sister, Bekah.  I loved Bekah with that foolish young love that always seems to captivate me.  I am such an innocent and such a fool when it comes to love.  Jessica was always focused on playing her role and the time I spent backstage I talked with Bekah(who played Marcy).  I never acted on my crush, simply because I didn’t think Bekah was interested: I still don’t think she was.  I have this naturally condescending tone that makes people think I hate them…and Bekah had often admitted to the fact that I made her feel like an idiot.  I didn’t mean that all.  I always thought that Bekah was incredibly intelligent, but this is all another sonnet.

Jessica’s powerful personality drew everyone to her.  That and she had money, a car, and time that she wanted to spend with my brother and I.  We’d go around and watch movies and just hang out all the time and I miss all those great days that we’d go see movies and then go to Bitchin’ Kitchen.  It was a tragedy that all that had to end the way it has.  Everything just fell apart when we went off to college and everything.  I wanted everything to stay the same, but it never does.

Jessica won’t ever read this, or maybe she will someday.  She used to read my diary all the time, but she doesn’t exist here anymore.  But I just need to say something, I need to put my thoughts into words so I can then speak them to her whenever I see her next.  She currently is directing a travelling children’s theatre organization, a gross waste of her acting talent.  I hope that Bekah doesn’t fall into the same rut…who knows though, I’m not sure Bekah likes to act much anymore.

Jessica, forget where you are now.  Got to some college where they do a lot of shows.  Forget that college you’re at unless you can get on that stage.  You have the talent and the charm and people around here always adored you when you set foot on the stage.  You have the vocal power and you have the energy and you have the charm, so forget that directing job.  And forget Gabe and forget John….and forget Keith and all of them.  You always got caught up with them because of those stupid little towns.  Those stupid towns caught hold of you just like that catch hold of everyone and they never let go.  Those towns are a parasite and you don’t even know it, because you’re so innocent in the end.  Innocence isn’t the definition people give, they’re all wrong.  Innocence isn’t not having done something bad, it is a mental attitude towards things….one that is too far trusting…one that seems confused as to where all the problems arise.

That horrid town of Rice Lake and Chetek and all those small towns….they got to her.  They got to so many of those people.  Those towns eat dreams.  Those towns destroy dreams.  They make losers and then hold them there so that the city won’t fall.  Everyone has to run who has a dream that they want fulfilled.  I know that now.  That town won’t ever let me go as long as I let it hold me…..

I’m not in love with Jessica.  I was for a little while in my lifetime.  But it wasn’t meant to be I think.  I’m not the kind of guy that gets the girl he wants in the end, because I like the girls that are good, beautiful, and talented.  And those girls like the men that aren’t.  That and I’m just no good with women in general…..but that, too, is another entry….actually, that’s a lot of them that have already passed.

Jessica, I hope you find your dreams.  And don’t settle for any less.