Sonnet #6: The Perplexions

My eyes look back through the past,

As if it was nothing but air,

To find the loves that did not last,

And see the why in what wasn’t there.

And many a soul and heart and face

Captured my fancy for moments or more,

Yet in the end, each in its pace

Past from the world and locked the door.

I do not deny that I made mistakes,

My yearning heart blinded my aim,

It weakened my resolve and hopes and taste,

And left me to mutter too many names.

But I shall not dote on such things.

My eyes look on forward to what future brings.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then:

Rather than continue with a great deal of the names of women who captured my heart and held my attention, I decided to lump all those who I did not think deserved a great deal of mention here. These are the ones who did not hold my fancy for very long or who I do not think now were anything more than idle loves for the sake of needing someone to be with…..

There are many names and many reasons that they captured my fancy for a moment. Nicole Solie was always so interested in everything I did…and she was always very supportive. She and Bekah had become good friends and once I finally abandoned all hope for Bekah, I was able to reestablish a friendship…however minor. Nicole was not my type and in fact is married now as I understand it, which is good for her, I guess.

It shocks me to hear about people in my grade getting married already when I’m but a junior in college. They are mostly a year older than me anyway, but that was always beside the point. I was usually twice as mature. There are other names that fall in this category, Mandy Gonzales….maybe just because I really thought she was one of the most beautiful girls in our grade…that and she was always kind.

Only a few remember the little awkward moment we shared when in sixth grade I confessed to having a very odd dream about her. Jean remembers, but Jean doesn’t read this so what the hell. Jean is engaged, wow. There was Tara Engelstad, who actually was probably a rebound crush from nothing happening with Lindsey or Hilary, since she was always there to provide me support….and as for the rest of the names and faces….too soon I’ve already forgotten the others who I wasted a few moments of time trying to believe that they might like me.

Now

Not that I care that they didn’t or still don’t. I look back now with clearer vision and see that I just really wanted to be loved by someone who made me feel that I was a good man myself.

I loved beauty first and foremost and so really all the beautiful women that I’ve ever encountered in my life will of course have poems for themselves….not to say that some in this one weren’t beautiful…just I didn’t find enough of them wonderful to make me feel that these ones were worth doting on, writing poems about, or even investing time in trying to pursue. There were plenty of others I spent my time on.

I hope they are all well, though in the end I’ll probably never see any of them again, though Nicole Solie said she was going to come see ‘Ten Little Indians.’ She did not of course. No one I invited did except those from River Falls…and even then, only half of them.

This is not the first time I realize that for the most part my friendships and caring relationships have been one-way ones….me giving as much as I can and never receiving anything back. But that is the way of some people….