One Man’s War

I won’t stop.

No I won’t stop.

I won’t give up.

No I won’t give up or in.

There are things in me that I cannot explain and that does not frustrate me. It does not make me want to scream that I can’t explain my emotions or my compulsions or my dreams or my convictions. The fact that I can’t explain them is all right. And that is what gives me a few moments peace in this life.

What frustrates me is that certain emotions and convictions won’t let go of me. LET GO! I can’t deal with them, they make me go insane. I tell you that I’ve never felt so, odd inside. Hollow, aching, as if a chunk of me is missing and I just want to make that feeling go away and I can’t.

Tonight I got a fortune cookie, its fortune read: Don’t Be Afraid to Take that Big Step. And I know what it meant. You know, all the signals and all the magic is right there…..if I reach out I think I might just touch something miraculous……and yet I can’t get my hand to reach out. I can’t get myself to make that leap because I am so completely afraid and I don’t know which way is up and which way is down anymore.

She hangs on me and holds me close and we share those few stares where it looks as if we both want to say those god damn words. We want to say those god damn words so god damn bad……and we don’t.

She has a boyfriend. I have a relationship myself, though we both know that’s a temporary thing and I get the feeling it might already be falling away….and I’m sure that she won’t mind when she reads this all that much……not that it really matters…it’s not like I’m going for anything anytime ever. CHICKEN SHIT!

And I thought I was over this. I thought I was over this falling head-over-heels bullshit because everytime I do I actually fall head over heels and hit hard. I hit really hard. And that’s the worst part….not the fall or the loss, but the hurt. And I can’t stop it. And even more frightening than the hurt is the fact that it heals and on I go…..

I am obviously insane or strange. Call an institution. My emotional powers have taken ahold and I can’t seem to put a lid on the ever overflowing container that holds in love and affection.

I hurt and I heal,

When ever you’re around,

And I don’t remember when

I last felt this feeling,

But I’ve felt it before…

And I lost….

You make me smile,

In every way that I can,

And it doesn’t hurt

Though I can’t find the words

To describe what exactly it is…..

But I can feel it….

And you make me cry,

Not so much in tears,

But in those ways you cannot see

A man turn himself inside out

And let out the loss and the sorrow,

And I can feel it….

So what am I to do?

Give up or fight for you?

Do I push on ahead

Or just turn on back

And blame it on all the things I lack

Like everytime before.

I’m a broken man,

From all those years before

And yet you without a notion

Of what I was before these days

Made me regress to my old ways,

The things torn from me….

And my smile isn’t fake,

But I think it was all the time before,

And all the things I hate

And love and desire and need

Have fallen away and you’re all that’s left….

And it only took a moment….

So what am I?

A soldier healed or a lover slain?

I’ve got so caught up in you

I forgot the name

Of all those words that I remembered once,

That told me not to fight….

And I think of you before I sleep

So I might see you in my dreams

Because I can’t picture you in my mind,

Like I can’t picture any other,

And that hurts me, and I cry

Just the way men do….

So what is there?

Is there me and you?

Just me?

That poem isn’t so much a poem….I didn’t sing it the way I did most. I spoke it…it’s actually a monologue written in a very wierd format. This is the kind of girl that you want to fight for like in every movie and I think that maybe I will write every love story I ever write with the feelings I feel for her….

What is this I’m feeling? Is it pain or loss or love or hate or sorrow? I can’t tell if it’s one or all…or a few. Confusion. I hate confusion. I hate this feeling. I just want joy….I just want the joy I try to give to others.

For once in my life I actually think I might pray for something.