Love Ridden

LOVE RIDDEN: by Fiona Apple

Love ridden, I will look at you

With the focus I gave to my birthday candles,

I wished on the letter blue flames

Under your brow….and baby I wished for you.

Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed,

And I wanna crawl in with you, but I cry instead,

I want your warmth but it will only make me colder

When it’s over, so I can’t tonight…

Baby, no not baby anymore…..

If I need you I just use your simple name….

Only kisses on the cheek from now on…

And in a little while we’ll only have to wait

My hand won’t hold you down no more…

The path is clear to follow through….

I stood too long in the way of the door,

And I’m givin’ up on you…..

[Interlude]

No not baby anymore…

If I need you I’ll just use your simple name….

Only kisses on the cheek from now on…

And in a little while we’ll only have to wait….

No, not baby anymore….

If I need you I’ll just use your simple name…

Only kisses on the cheek from now on….

And in a little while we’ll only have to wait….

And this is a tribute to Lindsey, though she doesn’t deserve it. The song just came up in its rotation on my media player and it hit me.

I walked right by her today and I didn’t notice, because for once I’ve been fighting to keep my head up and look around at the world. Too much time staring down and trying to avoid the world. And I didn’t notice her walk right by until she was past…..and then I realized she had just stared right through me. Ignored me completely. No lies….no words…nothing.

We parted right there and with me she dragged along in wisps of smoke, the last of any hope, any faith, any good I saw in her. I had given up long ago…but hadn’t admonished all hope…hadn’t eliminated doubt completely that she might come around to be my friend at least.

But now I don’t want her even as that.

Such filth in this world like that….all the time being spread around…the world is a shithole and the fact is we’re trying to overfill it…..

Sometimes people have to sit down and be rational. Not be so fucking stupidly emotionally irrational. Do things because that’s why they do them….do things because of stigmas and such bullshit…..

The fact of the matter is I have never done anything to deserve the treatment I get. The lack of respect, the usery, the abuse, the insults. All I’ve ever done was tried to be a good friend and given my advice only when asked and pushed on through life trying to be the best I can be and give all my effort…..and the true reward for that constantly desired heroism is ridicule, insult, and castigation.

There are sympathizers…but they’re just damn glad they’re not you…that’s all in the end. They express sympathy almost automatically because they don’t really recognize the pain in the words or the sorrow in the face or the worry knotted in the brow but rather all they see are the words strung in a sorrowful order and so they automatically spread condolensces as if they were bandages for emotional wounds. But they aren’t.

True sympathy still is not a bandage. All it is is another hand trying to hold yours and make you realize you’re not alone in the dark. And true rationality only makes a person more depressed when people relate…..

But we as humans are the most fucked-up irrational beings on the planet…and I seem to be the only one whose thinking clearly.