Closure (Cont)

Carrie. I had a crush on Carrie. She likes me. We’re going to live in an apartment together next year. She runs through guys like water and most of them are poor choices of men. Do I want to date Carrie? I don’t know. You see, I am so willing to see a single light in a person that I’m willing to give it a chance…which is good because I’m willing to date someone…but then when the person turns out not to be the one, I have a hard time with it because I have to break it off and I feel like a jerk breaking relationships off. I stopped seeing Katie, I stopped seeing Nancy, I stopped seeing Rachel, I stopped seeing Sarah. Ergh. The fact is I’ve begun to think about relationships and how they change people. I try to think about a relationship from the standpoint of what a person is like when it’s only friends, but relationships always seem to change people. I don’t change…I stay the same ol’ me with a few more intimate moments. I might say more romantic things because I know I’m not overstepping my bounds and of course intimacy physically and mentally changes…..but other than that, I’m me. But most people either get better or worse by a great leap. That’s why I don’t know. Do I think Carrie is attractive? Yes. I love her personality except for a few brazen moments of sheer ‘actor’-ness as I call it (Which means undeserved arrogance and ignorant hate)

Marissa. I find Marissa particularly attractive because she has a great deal of grace that so few others have. She carries herself with poise and is always really nice and lots of people hate her because she seems so faky, but that is just Marissa. She’s got a lot of baggage, though. She is religious and picky about men and almost everything…she is pretty anal about things, but she likes me a lot….at least as far as friends. To be honest, I’d consider going out with her just because I think she’s most like in the mindset of my ‘desired’ girlfriend….that is someone who is willing to just always hang on the arm or hold hands and kiss but not necessarily have sex a lot. I find sex makes me feel dirty and it’s funny, but when a guy gets a boner (excuse this rather rude digression) but he cannot think of anything else but getting rid of it. It’s not that he’s really HORNY as people put it but that he just wants to get rid of it. It’s almost a hate-thing with me. I don’t like to masturbate or anything but I will sometimes just to get the fucker to go away….it overrides your mind with hormones and I’m particularly looking forward to when I get a bit older and my hormones are only stimulated when I desire them to be. As for Marissa….I just don’t know….it would be a trial and a joy at the same time and I don’t know how she’d act after I started dating her.

Beth. There is this girl in ‘Speed the Play’ who is very attractive, very nice, and I really think she’s a good prospect buuut….she’s kind of that dumb nice….you know the kind? She’s not stupid or anything, but just a bit more simple. Once again I don’t know how this would affect me….ah God.

The fact of the matter is that I look around and I would date a LOT of different people…and I wish I could date some of them. I can’t date some of them because of various reasons. Some are terrible girlfriends, others terrible people, but most of them just don’t want to date me. As for who I can date, I don’t know. I feel like a jerk going around and trying to make a hierarchy of women to see which one I should try and go after and then returning to the list when it fails(if it fails)…but the fact of the matter is that’s all one can do, right?

Dating really actually sucks for me. I hate it. Monogamy sucks, too. I mean, it was probably invented by ugly, personality-less people who couldn’t get any and demanded that they have equal opportunity. The fact of the matter is love is something that I cannot control, it just happens…and I get attached, and I want to know more….and the rest of the world is filled with hypocrites who won’t even let you take them on a first date because they’re afraid what it might mean. I’ve only had that happen a few times in my life, but let me tell you…when someone turns you unequivocally down without even a chance….it’s brutal. I don’t think I’d ever do that except to bad people.

Which brings me to wonder why it was that I got turned down. Ah well. That’s another story and thank God, I’m tired.