Closure

It’s 12:20 here and I’m going to pay for this at my 8:00 Spanish Class, but who the hell cares, I can’t sleep and as always my mind is a total blur of thoughts.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately and what love means for me. As anyone who has had difficulties in relationships or problems having them knows, it isn’t an easy subject to solve, but hopefully I may move myself into a literary catharsis here and then find a solution from there.

Here are the thoughts on my mind as of the moment:

Lindsey. As we know, I asked her. She hasn’t even talked to me since and that was over two months ago, which is a long time to wait for an emphatic yes. I’ve called a few times and she’s never there or at least not willing to talk perhaps. Anyway, she lives down the hall, it isn’t that much of a pain to take a few minutes. I get to thinking about this and I think to myself, how could I have read someone so completely wrong? Was I blinded by love? I don’t think so. I didn’t love her at first and I was always honest with myself. She was naive and selfish but at the same time there was an innocence about her. She was by no means pure in any form, but the fact was she was raised up to be the way she was, it wasn’t that she particularly deviant, she had been raised in a sheltered place that taught her what she was doing was just fine though most people would say it wasn’t. But how could someone who sent so many signals not like me? I know the signals, I can tell when someone’s hitting on me and I can tell when someone likes me…..I think I can…almost always I’m right……in fact, this I think is the first time I really failed at it. There were times when I didn’t know if someone liked me as more than a friend, so those don’t count….but I always know when they like me more. But how could I have misread so badly? How could someone who was so good and said so many things that made me feel all right about asking suddenly just not ever answer….there was no closure and it bothers me.

Stephie. I get to thinking about Stephie a lot. You know, she wasn’t nearly as attractive as Rachel….nor as fun as Katie (though about as ditzy)….she was mediocre at best and was incredibly spoiled and stubborn. She hated to lose. She had her flaws and wasn’t a goddess…but why this hang-up on her at times? Sometimes I feel like it could have lasted, that relationship, if she hadn’t had been so lazy and stupid. Ugh. Got herself kicked out of college and who the hell knows where she is now, I wish her the best….the girl who took my virginity. Sometimes I can picture that night when I’m in the dark and I miss those kind of girls…the kind who are experience….the kind that I don’t feel like I’m corrupting them. Not that it matters.

Rachel. For the longest time Rachel loved me and I broke her heart and then tried to fix it. And I felt like maybe we could get back together…and maybe we can. She’s beautiful and fun….though she’s slightly temperamental and excessively moody….she likes to start arguments for no other reason then just to. Anyway….but then there’s this whole aura about her lately that says that she doesn’t want to….or she’s on the fence….and I’m not willing to sway her. She’s younger then me by a bit….and who knows about her sexual experience….I don’t. I think she has, but I don’t want that to sound like she’s a slut or something, I just get the vibe that she’s done it. Hell, she’s from Chetek…almost everyone there has.

Brenda. Brenda is a cool girl, but I have a hard time with this one too. She comes in and definitely gives me all the signals for me to ask her out, which I just won’t do, because I’m torn all over the place at the moment…….but I guess if she really hung out with me more then I’d ask her. But she doesn’t. She came in here last week and ended up sitting on my lap filling out surveys all night as we talked and it was a lot of fun…..but that was it…..no acknowledgements. I think this has to do with a lot of assumptions made by the whole freaking campus about….

Nancy. I love her. I do. But not like that, unfortunately. There is so much controversy all over this campus because of the fact that I hang out with her so often and do so much with her it drives me mad. I mean, first of all, we’ve got theatre people trying to make her hate me and others who just want to know why the hell I hang around her anymore. Then we’ve got all sorts of people who think we’re still dating but that doesn’t mean I’m going to change my relationship with her. I love her. She’s fun to be around and the only one whose willing to take a joke and everything. In fact, I’m surprised she’s not taken up by someone else yet, since I think of all the girls I’ve dated….she’s the one with the least amount of flaws…if she has flaws at all as far as relationships go. I mean, she’s easy-going, isn’t offended(well sometimes a little)….anyway…..enough on that.