Another Sermon From Yours Truly

God damn you mother fucking FOD. Sorry if you don’t like the language folks, but the fact of the matter is my diary has been screwed up forever. I post an entry and I have the choice of either checking to see if it was ‘actually’ posted or going back and resubmitting it. If I resubmit it, I have no guarantee it will go through, so I might as well check. But if I check and it’s not there, I lose all my writing. How stupid. Great job cheering me up FOD, cuz I already had written a pretty angry entry, but here it comes again.

Lindsey has not talked to me for four weeks. Four weeks. I’ve already figured out that she doesn’t like me even though the signals I read were on. I know it now. I’m not going to doubt myself any longer. I look at other people and I can read most anyone well, unless they’re really eccentric or act very sporadically… *cough* Marissa..*cough*

What bothers me even more than reading Lindsey wrong, is how much I read her wrong. If I was to describe Lindsey’s personality, I’d say she was a spoiled, naive, cute, funny, independent and strong girl. She whines a bit too much about trivial stuff, but even these things don’t drive me crazy enough to not love her. Yeah, I love her. But now she really has gone and done it. You know, if she just ignored me, that would be fine I guess. It would make me really angry, but she normally ignores me and thinks about herself so it would be no surprise. If she called me up and explained things, that would be fine, too. I’d have closure and everything could be settled. But no. Instead, we pass by each other the other day and she makes up the bullshit lie that she’s been trying to get a hold of me.

What? I’ve got an answering machine, an email, a message board, and a roommate who is in the room whenever I’m not, which is a rarity. The only time she would be able to really make sure not to get a hold of me if she was really trying as she said, was if she managed to call when neither of us were in, then didn’t leave a message. And that would be hard to find a time if you were really trying.

Now I may sound like the bitter loser, but I can’t really be sure that I am. I don’t think I am, but we can’t say unless she actually did try hard and told me. If I still hated her, then obviously I am a bitter loser. But I’m not. I’m just angry that Lindsey would turn out to be so god damn lazy and rude. I knew she didn’t have many manners, but this is ridiculous. Have the decency to write a note or call or something for Christ’s sake.

And I’m tired of having problems with relationships. I just want affection so much and want to give love back to people that I think are beautiful and good that I jump into relationships before I measure whether they’re perfect. It’s like I’m doing a puzzle and I find a piece that sort of fits and looks about right, but when I place it in connection, it doesn’t look quite right even though it sort of fits. And then I get into problems because I have like a thousand pieces that I’d like to try and see if they connect, but I only have like two or three that are willing. That’s what’s sad. I just see beauty so often and of course, the girls who like me are the ones that I don’t want. So I don’t expect all the girls I like to like me, otherwise I’d be a hypocrite, but a man can wish….a man can wish.

You know what drives me crazy is what I just said makes sense, doesn’t it? You like people and if they don’t like you, you have to understand because there are people who like you that you don’t like….you can wish that everyone you like likes you, but you can’t hold it against them…right? But that’s not the way the world works. What drives me crazy is that people preach one set of standards, people live another, and they expect a third. And that’s the way the world always works. People come to me and they ask for my advice with homework, but they don’t respect my opinion when I express it otherwise, and they treat me like I’m an idiot. And that makes me mad. Why the hell do people have double and triple standards? It’s insane how blind people are to their own emotions and the way they treat people. They always have some ludicrous justification and nobody looks at the world with common sense any more.

Finally, the last thing that drives me crazy is something that Carrie Pommier, one of my favorite people, said. There is this guy named Scot Moore that I absolutely hate. He thinks he’s this really great and skilled guy and he judges people and gives them ‘advice’ when they don’t want it. He calls me ‘kid’ (which is my ultimate pet peeve.) Anyway, Carrie goes, “I like Scot a lot, I know he’s an asshole, but I don’t listen to what he says, because that’s just Scot.”

When did the world just start allowing bad people to exist? When did they stop expecting people to try to be better. It’s no wonder the world has Bush as President. I particularly don’t care, I think he’s much better than people make him out to be, because the fact of the matter is one man does not have the power to steer things and it’s not just him that’s pushing these things. That’s besides the point, let’s not get into political scapegoats. But I mean, if you didn’t want a guy like Bush as president, why do people just let ignorant and stupid people remain that way? Why? You want to know why we’re getting corrupt politicians, because we just dismiss people as ‘that way.’ Clinton lied and slept around and treated the public like they were clowns and you know what, it doesn’t matter that it wasn’t the press’s business, we shouldn’t have just said, “Ah..that’s Clinton.” And dismissed it. The stupid, stupid people of the world deserve who they get in office and those who suffer deserve it for being such dumb shits. If you want something better, than don’t just dismiss people for being assholes and jerks, make them be something better.

Anyway, I’ll get off my pulpit. Hope this entry goes through this time.