Deja Vu Confusion

Ok, so I’m retyping this entry cuz my stupid self screwed up and deleted it.

My Dad is a bitter ass who has spent his life fighting everyone, making me feel worthless and hollow, and being a total failure. That’s the summary of the story I had before. It pisses me off I’m too tired to write it, but I’ll write the second part.

I was just thinking about all the missed chances in my life. All the time not spent with people who I cared about. I think about all the people who I loved and thought were beautiful and desired and I realize there are so many that pushed me away, so many that I failed to do anything about because I feared they would push me away, and so many that I never had the chance to get to know because I was too slow, too fast, or too foolish. Their names are many and I’m afraid to name them all here, so many names….I wouldn’t know where to begin. I could write a little something about them all that would touch them, since I remembered something little…the details really do count, but they’ll never understand. Nobody will ever understand the love that I feel.

I wonder if anyone has ever felt as hollow as I feel. My father has fought my whole life, it seems, to cut me into nothing. He’s failed. He tried to make me weak like an empty peanut shell but he only made me stronger and more of a fighter….sometimes I feel like I’m about to explode in a frenzy….a frenzy that may just make more regret. Nevertheless, there is a great love in me.

I am whole and I am empty. Does anyone else I wonder feel the great pain that radiates in me. It is so strong and feels so overwhelmingly empty yet strong that I can’t explain or describe it. It just is in me. The names and the beauty and all the wonderful things that I have lost in life I know without a doubt hurt me more than most people. Hell, life is glossed over by most people. Do they ever think about all the striking women or men they’ve met that they didn’t ask out or were turned down by? I do. I think about all the failures and all the successes, there are few of the latter compared to the first, and yet we all have to go on because life is more wonderful than anything else, despite what people do.

That’s what makes me fight on and my Dad fail. It is what he does not understand. He does not understand how someone can be happy with a life that is filled with failures. Life is about living….life is about loving, life is about being and breathing and feeling and you can’t do that dead. It’s no good to hate yourself, it’s not good to live for someone else or to go through life doing what is expected of you even if you hate it. Life was given to us as a miracle by God, Nature, or Fate to be used the way we desire. It is our possibly one shot at a great thing…..there is so much opportunity, beauty, and wonder that it is impossible to see it all, but we must try…..we must try to make ourselves happy. Happiness is all that we have that counts. Strip away everything else and what is there?

We may pursue what we please. Some say that it is not happiness but success, riches, fame, love, conquest, power, but at the base of all these things, what have you achieved…..happiness. Contentment. That’s all we have to rely on.

I wish that I knew all this when I was born. So that I could go into every room and say to any girl I ever met that I thought was beautiful, “Hi….would you like to go to a movie?” They’d still say “No.” But maybe they wouldn’t. Maybe they’d see the light in my eyes that is never noticed because it’s been too hidden by fear and shame. I’ve always been afraid of asking people out because I didn’t want to lose them…..lose the chance of possibly making it work. Bekah ruined me. My first time out and I was ruined. I pursued her so hard, fighting tooth and nail just for her to say that she would do one thing with me…but she wouldn’t give in. She too was out to break me. I just never noticed the wound til now. With Dad it was easy, he so obviously was trying to beat me down I could dodge his swings. Bekah’s was different, where Dad swung the blade at me, I impaled myself on Bekah’s.