Dilemma Dan (Cont)

The problem is that she doesn’t want a limelight life, she doesn’t want children, she doesn’t want to be rich and urbanite, she doesn’t want all the things I stand for. That, and to be terribly honest, she’s not a thinker. She’s bright, yes, but she isn’t an avid reader, she’s not a theologan, and she’s no independent brilliance like Lindsey. Does that make her bad? No. That just means that when I want an intellectual equal I can’t turn to her, and I”m sorry, that’s something I need. Hate me if you will, though I know you won’t despite any inclinations you might have to.

I’ve pushed things with her….I’ve gotten her to trust me deeply, and what’s unfortunate is her naivity. She didn’t believe in sex before marriage because that’s what she was told. Why? She couldn’t answer. Everything she was told in Catholic school and such she has held tight to. No drinking, no drugs, no sex. I broke her of some of these. She will hate me if I break up with her because she will see that I have made her “bad.” I will be a liar and a con in her eyes. That’s of course ludicrous.

She broke herself because she wanted to make me happy and I wanted her to. I wanted her too not because I needed her to, but because I thought the reasons she followed the rules were bogus. She likes alcohol, she doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it as long as she does it in moderation. She adheres to things without thinking why.

If someone told me they didn’t drink or do drugs because they believed it was incredibly harmful to their body and they didn’t want that, fine. If they said they didn’t give away their virginity because they believed that the principles of marriage indicate it is a duty to have it there, or something viable, some reason that makes some sense….a reason at all. Even something insane as I will only go to heaven if I give my virginity away only when I’m married I”ll take. Not just “because.”

She also doesn’t understand love. I have begun to understand. There are two types. There is the love you have for someone that would make you do anything for them, to make them happy, to be by their side in times of need, to protect them, to share feelings, emotions, pleasures and pain. There is also the love that makes you want to do nothing but devote yourself to a person, makes you want to spend time with them, one that makes you want to be with them whenever you can and make them happy all the time. There is obligatory love and desirous love. Obligatory love is the first kind, but the obligation is not some forced edict, you don’t mind doing it, you want to….but it’s not the same as desirous. Obligatory love is doing something nice for someone when they need something nice to be done. It can be that you do nice things for this love without the need, but often times that is what desirous love is all about.

I want to be with Lindsey. I can picture myself with her, I don’t think I’d get bored and I think that I could spend my life with her. I’m positive of it. I can’t see that with Nancy. California is no place for what she wants. That’s what I want. I want a family and riches and fame and limelight and she want’s solitude and a different kind of happiness. I cannot live without trying to preach to the world ideals that make them think (not change their opinion, but at least make them think)….she could be happy not affecting few other people’s lives.

She will believe that I lied to her when I told her I loved her. She will forget that in the beginning I was dead honest and told her that I love many people and believe that sex is an act of love and passion and pleasure that can be enjoyed by people who don’t expect forever. She will forget that I told her that one can’t tell if one loves a person forever until they’ve spent time together. She will forget that and see a hater and a liar.

What’s worse is I have to see her all the time in theatre and on trips…..what do I do? I need help…really big help…..lots o help. Oh, and maybe you could solve my problems with Nancy too…;)

Goodnight for now.