In the Silence of a Scene

Why? Why now and this sudden feeling?

Today I went with my dad and watched “Road to Perdition.” The movie was amazing. The story was generic and predictable as all stories seem to be anymore, but the directing, the acting, and the cinematography, along with the music, made the movie amazing. There was a scene that I won’t spoil that just killed, it was brilliant. Whoever sees it, I wonder if you can pick out the same one.

But now I’m thinking to myself, maybe it was this last survey….but I’m thinking about it all and I’m trying to figure everything out….and here’s what’s filling my head….

I don’t want to be here anymore. In this house, this pitiful place where every single gesture of kindness is clouded with hate and spurned. I try so hard, I do so many good things. I came home this summer to keep my parents company because they complained I didn’t come home enough….and now I wish I never had. All they do is bitch at me, and whine, and moan. And tonight I invited Dad to the movie and all he could do was yell at me and hurry me along until it was not worth going to see it. Luckily the movie picked me up because it was good. And as for love….yuck.

I never told Rachel about this place, about this diary, about any of this because I never wanted her to take any of this the wrong way and think I hated her, she thinks I do. But I don’t. And the thing is, I don’t really know what to do with her at this point. I want to love her, I want to kiss her and care for her….but I can’t. And I don’t think she’ll ever understand. Her mother won’t let her come to River Falls EVER and I can’t come home. I’m not healthy here, I’m not sane here, it’s not worth living if I have to live here. And I’m going to tell her all this, and I hope she can forgive me for ever entertaining the thought. It makes me so angry that my parents have ruined all this, that they can’t even be civil with me. I don’t even want to come back to the Red Barn theatre which I love to death….that’s how much I can’t stand this place. And with Lindsey, she’ll be with me in River Falls, who knows how long, who knows if she really DOES love me or want to be with me. And if she doesn’t, I still can’t go back to Rachel. I want to love a million people the way that one man loves one woman…and not in some cheating bastard way. I want to give everything to all the people I love….and I WILL. If there is one thing I will do before I die, I will take my earnings and give everyone who I know their dream……..I will.

I’m a lover, not anything but a lover. And people say stop looking for love and I say I’m not looking for it. I just keep finding it in awkward, unreachable places. I’m not looking, I’m not searching, I can’t help loving people.

There was Bekah for all those years, and to tell the truth I still have a little pang for her. And everybody thinks I’m the biggest weirdo in the world because of it. She was perfect to those eyes that saw her as a child….and we have changed, but my eyes haven’t….

And Hilary was the same, except she was so exquisite, it was like looking at an angel….and at least she gave me the time of the day….

I don’t want to write any more about this now……I don’t want to write about love ever again…I want to be happy….I want to be so happy that I could cry, and not cry because I’m sad……I want these tears to taste different…..

I wish I was something more than me….and someday I will….I just can’t handle all this waiting….

I’m listening to songs from the Toy Story soundtracks…yikes…..I”m going to put the lyrics cuz they always hit me….I don’t remember their names…..

Out among the stars I sail,

Way beyond the moon,

In my silver ship I sail,

A dream that ended too soon.

Now I know,

Exactly who,

I am and what I”m here for,

And I will go sailing, no more.

All the things I thought I’d be,

All the brave things I’ve done,

Vanished like a snow flake,

With the rising of the sun…..

Never more,

To sail my ship,

Where no man has gone before,

And I will go sailing no more.

But no,

It can’t be true,

I can fly if I wanted to,

Like a bird in the sky,

If I believe I can fly,

Why I’d fly……

Clearly I will go sailing no more.

AND THE OTHER SONG:

When somebody loved me,

Everything was beautiful,

Every hour we spent together,

Lives within my heart…

And when she was sad,

I was there to dry her tears,

And when she was happy, so was I,

When she loved me.

Through the summer and the fall,

We had each other, that was all,

Just she and I together,

Like it was meant to be,

And when she was lonely,

I was there to comfort her,

And I knew that she loved me.

So the years went by,

I stayed the same,

But she began to drift away,

I was left alone,

Still I waited for the day,

When she’d say I will always love you.

Lonely and forgotten,

Never thought she look my way,

When she smiled at me

And held me just like she used to do,

Like she loved me

When she loved me,

When somebody loved me,

Everything was beautiful,

Every hour we spent together,

Lives within my heart,

When she loved me.