And Brad Talks about Problems Part Deux

Dang 6500 character limit…oh well….please continue and read…any and all advice, help, banter, chatter, and taunts are welcome….

But here goes what I wanted to say, let’s see if I can remember it all, it’s cheesy I know, but it’s heart-felt at least…..shit….I forgot it all. Well, I’ll make something new up on the spot about how I feel about her, still heart-felt, but hell….you get what you pay for folks. I’ll put it as if I’m talking to her, telling her it…why? CUZ I WANNA OK WISE GUY! Ahem:

[This following dialogues is written out with editting, all spelling mistakes, long dramatic pauses and such are being apologized for now…..if you don’t like it….bugger off.]

I want to say……I want to compliment you…..I want to say how beautiful you are, I want to tell you you remind me of something, you remind me of the evening sky. So expansive that, I just can’t take it all in. And I stare up, I can’t help but stare up and marvel at the miracle, the majesty, and wonder how that all could BE. But I know it is because I can see it, and not all the time, not all the bits all the time, in the day I can’t see it, but I know it’s still there glowing and every night when the clouds fade away I can see it again. And you’d think that staring up at the sky, night after night, would make me feel…would make me get bored. That I’m staring at the same shining objects, sometimes there’s a dance done with meteors and satellites, but it’s almost the same each night, but I don’t get bored. I can stare up there forever and ever and never understand, never comprehend how anything so amazing can exist. But, you’re not exactly like the evening sky….because everyone can see the evening sky, everyone can stare up and see the stars and the meteor showers and the auroras, but they can’t see you smile. And it’s their loss by far, give them the sky and I’ll take the smile, whole-heartedly. The glint, the spark in the eye, the wrinkle of the nose, the nervous twitch, the sound, every little part of it I’ll take over a million clear nights or even the understanding of how it all came to be. And it makes me realize that there must be a heaven, there must be a heaven because I can’t believe that anywhere else in the world could there be something as amazing as you and everyone who never meets you will never even have the chance to realize just what they’ve missed in life….and there must be compensation somewhere for missing out on knowing you. And it’s scary to me, it’s so scary to me to be able to stand here and think to myself: “One day…no more. One day I’ll wake up and find that I’ll never see that smile again and it kills me because I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to act…..I want to be perfect for you, and I know I”m not…and I don’t know where to go….and people say: “Well, you can’t help things.” And that’s why I know there must be a hell…..to be so close to heaven and know that you have no control over whether you reach it….that is the ultimate penalty…the ultimate price, the ultimate punishment….and all I can do is hope, hope that perhaps by some stroke of fate I’ll figure out what it is I still can do to earn that smile that always beams back at me, the smile that makes me look at the evening sky in a very different way ever since I first saw it, as if the sky was nothing at all, as if all those stars who strive and fight so hard to be seen in the midnight sky got it all wrong, because they’re fighting so hard to captivate me for a second and you don’t even try and you shine so much brighter, captivate me so much longer, and I lose my place in space and time.”

And what do you do when you think things like that? I sit around and listen to romantic songs, songs that inspire me to think with my heart that make me vomit up all these words in an order that seems to look something like a sentence and I don’t know what to do.

And in the end, everyone will say, that’s so beautiful. Go for it, or they’ll say something along encouraging lines, inspiring lines, they won’t say it’s beautiful cuz I just said they would and they never do what you expect…..but the thing is….what do you do? I want to spend so much time with her and I don’t know whether the fact that I’m so afraid of asking her shows that I care so much that I don’t want to ever lose her and become so distant or if taking the risk of asking her and putting myself on the line is more brave, means I care more….I dont’ know. I want to tell her so bad but I’m afraid. Enough for tonight