Thoughts

How is that there are billions of people in the world and millions in the United States, and thousands in Wisconsin, and a couple thousand in Chetek, and hundreds that no her, but I know that she is perfect? I know that she is more then the rest put all together? Add Chetek and Wisconsin and the United States and the world and not one nor all combined could walk my way and do more then she does? I watched her today, not like a stalker, but I saw her when I went out for dinner…..I saw her working at the restaurant and at first I thought, small world…..then I thought…..wonderful world. I have watched everyone I know and seen the beauty that each of them hold, even the ones I dislike, even my parents have some beauty within them….I am not blind to it, which makes me feel all the more just in my accusations that they are despicable because I can see the good within them…..but enough of that. I watched her, for only seconds in between, walking back and forth and I thought to myself….”Foolish….you said what you felt to her….you should have bottled it inside.” And why did I think this? Because I knew that when I confessed she avoided me like the plague for months, and what did I get for confessing? Broken heart for awhile, and a lot less time to see her, to know her, to smile at night thinking that maybe she just did like me. It’s what has always paralyzed me and this time I truly regret it. I would have rather just dreamed that she did like me rather then know she didn’t…and it sounds foolish because either way you are without her…but only one way allows you to get to see her and not feel foolish and ashamed for what you said. And as I watched her I realized that there wasn’t a flaw I could see…..I didn’t need to look for a flaw, I just saw and said, where is there something that makes me go…..”Well, it’s all right, I can find better.” Nowhere….and it’s not because I adore her still, I confess I love her just as much now as when she made her point about not liking me and it was rather harsh, but it’s the fact that I can’t do better….maybe just as good by a miracle, but never better. It’s ironic really, you’d think that the girl that was perfect, after asking many girls out, all who you really liked, you’d think that after feeling devastated at the middle ones, you’d feel suicidal at the most beautiful, but no. All I feel is this great happiness knowing that I got to spend any time with her at all. I have lived eighteen years and some days and I have seen a lot because that is a lot of time, maybe not compared to others in the world or time as it has progressed, but by all natural laws it is…..to me it is….and I am all I can refer to. Eighteen years and there are memories I have that are vague, knowing I went here or there…..and there are some that are clear…..like going on a certain roller coaster, or a birthday….and then there are some that are beyond clear, they are emaculate……the day in Florida on the beach just for the few seconds……just for that little time when she was naive of all that I felt and I hadn’t fallen into a lapse of hopeless oozing where I leaked the information through looks….where I just held conversation with her……that I can recite to the detail, I knew what everyone was doing and ironically the one who broke that moment….that ten minute moment where allj her friends had gone swimming and she sat alone was my mother…..irony really does have a place in this world. I could have gone on for another million years….or the half an hour left on the beach….but it ended right then. And the time at her cousin’s graduation when I was being hopelessly “cute” by playing around with a giant buzz lightyear as I gambled with her family…..that was emaculate…I can picture everything about that with ease and that lasted for hours…..and even the half second glance when I was driving when she appeared at perfect time…all these things….I think about it and realize I’ve probably spent over time, days with her….and what do I have to envy? Who in this world has spent a day in paradise and knows it? Me. Nobody else and I am all the better of a person for knowing it. And not even the fact that a million notes will say how sweet my poetry for her was, how wonderful and kind of a guy I am and how stupid she was for turning me down, no matter all these things that indicate that I should be bothered by the fact she did turn me down….no matter the outrage in you, the reader’s mind, or the sadness that, “he didn’t get the girl after all,” I am happy. And I can’t explain why….because I don’t know. There is a sadness within me, I know it’s there, you can feel those things in there…..but it’s not “sadness” sadness…..it’s the feeling that I wasn’t a better person when we talked, that I didn’t make her life as good as she made mine….and this may all seem a little much…..but everyone feels this way….they do deep down….they just don’t say it because they realize just how collosal a thing like this is to say. A penny for my thoughts and I’d still be rich…..lest they’re judged by worth…;)