heartache

I just talked to Josh’s mom.  She just left Jessie’s house.

She talked to Mrs. Petit and she said that Jessie is having a really hard time with this (which I thought he would, obviously). I guess he walks around the house like a zombie and then just sits down and starts crying. Mrs. Petit said that she has never seen Jessie cry so much, ever. Which is understandable.

It hurts me so bad to know that I am not able to be there with him right now. I want to be there to hug him and just be a shoulder for him to cry on. I have been crying and haven’t been able to stop. I am alone which makes it even worse.  Josh won’t be home for at least another hour. 

I just want to be there with Jessie. So bad. I my heart hurts for him and for his family. I can’t imagine having to go through something like this.

It is going to be so hard for me tomorrow. I am not strong when it comes to this kind of thing. I know that Jessie is going to be crying, and his sister, and their mother. I love each of them so much. I know that Josh will cry and I won’t be able to hold it in.  I am going to have to cry as many tears as I can today, so that I can hopefully stay strong for them tomorrow. 

I know that I will cry and that is inevitable, but hopefully I won’t cry as much.

This family is amazing, just amazing. They are loving, fun, they never make you feel left out, ever!!

Every time Josh was out of town, Jessie would call me and tell me that he was my "replacement boyfriend." We would hang out, go out for ice cream. He made me feel apart of something even though Josh was so far away.  I remember going to his house for a bonfire. His family and their friends were down there and Jessie’s friends. I knew maybe only one or two people besides Jessie. Mrs. Petit and Mr. Petit both waved me to come on down and hang out. Mrs. Petit hugged me and spent the entire night talking to me. Telling me about Josh before I knew him. Telling me about Jessie and Josh’s adventures and sillyness.

I am so lucky to have a family like them in my life. I can’t believe that they have to go through something like this. Why do such horrible things always happen to the best people?!

I am scared to see them tomorrow. I don’t want to cry and make them more upset than they already are. I want to be a friend that cares so much about them that they can turn to for a hug. I don’t want to be a big crying mess.

I have never had to deal with a death like this before. Never someone so close. I don’t know how to handle it or what to say. I just want to say and do the right things.

Oh, God. Please help me…make the tears stop. Make the hurt stop for them….