the end is often the beginning

Im on a roll..entries two days in a row!  I think i usually don’t write because of the whole having no time thing at school.  But since im home on spring break..ive been doing nothing all day:~) its nice for a change.

Ive been thinking about the end of the school year that will be here in a matter of weeks.  Im scared.  I don’t want to graduate yet.  I have to student teach in the fall, and I know im going to hate it.  Im going to hate it because i will be living at home, I wont have my friends here..my fredonia friends that is. I don’t even know how many of my friends from home will actually be here either.  Rachel will probably be moving after she gets married, carla is probably moving with joey.. everyone is getting married, or in serious relationships.   Relationships make less time for friends.  I’m not really bitter about it, its just a fact.  Im just afraid that im going to be stuck here, hating my life, because i’ll be getting up everyday at like 6am, to go student teach, i’ll have to come home and practice bc i’ll be preparing for grad school auditions, then i’ll probably eat dinner, and want to pass out.  Get up the next day and do it all over again.  Its going to be the longest 4 months of my life.  After i’m done student teaching, i’ll need a job, but not a teaching job most likely..since i’ll (hopefully) be moving far away to go to grad school the following fall.

I’m really sad i’m going to be leaving my friends at fredonia. Miranda, pat, erin, and scott are my best friends there.  Pat and erin especially this semester.  I don’t get to see miranda as much because shes student teaching.  She gets up before i’m awake, and I get home at night after shes in bed a lot of times.  It’s been a little better since my recital is over though.  Pat and erin are the ones i see everyday, all day.  Id go crazy with out them.  We are so weird…but i love it, i laugh so much when im with them.  I can’t wait to go to china with them, its going to be amazing.

I have mixed feelings about not being able to see scott anymore.  I will miss him probably the most..but our relationship is like a sick cycle for me.  I don’t want to not see him anymore, but I think it will be better for me. I’ve tried, but can’t seem to be ok just being friends with him.  This way, i don’t have a choice, i won’t be able to see him, we will be too far away.  cutting off the majority of our contact, will hopefully let me move on.  Its going to break my heart, but i know it will be for the best in the long run.   I don’t think it’s going to bother him to be completely honest.  I don’t think he misses me ever..i really don’t.  If he does….he does a good job of hiding it.  Im not going to leave fredonia just remembering the hurt our relationship has caused me, i will definitely remember all the good times.  I am glad we became friends,  and i’m not trying to say he was a bad friend.  There are just many things that hurt me also.  I hope i will look back and remember the good times more than the bad.