2 in 1

Tomorrow i’m going back to Fredonia.  I am pretty happy to be leaving home again..but I always feel a little bit of sadness when I leave after having been home for a long time.  I don’t know why I feel said, because I’m usually miserable, and bored while i’m home. I haven’t been happy while i’ve been home, i’ve been so…SO bored for the majority of it.  I also seem to lose all motivation to do anything (specifically practice) while i’m home.  I’ve got some catching up to do on music when i get back to school, but I think i’ll  be ok, I don’t usually have trouble being motivated to practice at school.

Part of why I get sad when i leave home i think, is because i know my parents are sad to see me go every time.  I also feel bad, because i am never myself when i’m home..i’m sure they think i’m an unhappy person.  I become my old self whenever i am home….shy, closed up, and extremely quiet. I have no idea why… well..no thats a lie..i have a little idea why.  If my parents saw the way i am with my friends at school, they’d think im a heathen or something. I drink, and go to bars, i let boys…well…a boy rather, sleep in my bed regularly, and I joke a lot about really inappropriate things with my friends..i think the stuff we do is hilarious..but i think my parents would not like it..definitely would think i am weird. All these things are things that normal college students do i know…but my parents are super religious and everything. i dont know….. I just feel like i am two faced or something.  I worry that my parents think i am unhappy..sometimes i am..but i don’t know if they can tell.  I know my friends know almost immediately when something is bothering me, so that means i must not be very good at hiding my emotions..i wonder if my parents can tell.  I’ve spent the majority of this break sitting around..doing nothing..but being kind of sad honestly.  I am always sad when i’m not at school doing what i love, and being with my friends.

I hope i don’t still feel sad when i get back to school…..