helpless..

Right now is one of those times where I’m in a bad mood..kind of sad..but I actually feel like writing about it.

I feel like no matter what I do in my situation with scott, I will end up at a dead end. Every time we talk about us, we wind up going right back to the way we were..nothing changes.  It’s beyond frustrating for me, and it makes me feel like crap being rejected over and over.  But..for some reason i let it continue.

I was reading his live journal yesterday, and I came across an entry that said a lot of things that made me kind of sad.  It was about when he went to my uncles wedding with me.  In it he said it is nice and comfortable being so close to me..and wondered if thats what a relationship feels like.  He said "..maybe it would be better to let go of all the thoughts and just jump in." the thoughts being..him contemplating if he wants to date me. 

I just want so badly to try being in a relationship with him.  I don’t think he realizes how much i do care about him..either that or he just doesn’t care.  If he started seeing someone else, i would be crushed.  I don’t think he will start seeing anyone else…but just the idea of it.  It’s just so unfair, that he will cancel out the idea of it, without giving it a chance.  I’ve been in a relationship or two and i think i’ve got a pretty good knowledge of what a good relationship takes. We have a great friendship, and to me having a friendship as a base is one of the most important things. i feel very strongly that it would work between scott and i..and it would be something great..i just wish he would trust me. 

The last time we talked about everything, i decided i wasn’t going to bring it up again..i was doing well with not thinking about it until now.  Everytime the idea, or the want to be in a relationship with him would creep into my head, I would remind myself of the things hes said…and remind myself of how hurt and hopeless i feel everytime we talk about it. This is how it usually goes…i bring things up, i get the same answer of "i dont know" from him..i try to convince him by logically addressing every fear he has, until i’m blue in the face..he repeatedly says "i dont know" to the question of whether or not he wants to be with me..i end up crying..and telling myself i need to move on.  The thing is i can’t move on when his answer is "I dont know".  If it was no, that he didn’t see me as anything more than a friend,or that he wasn’t attracted to me or something, i could at least accept that, and start to move on. I know that those things aren’t the case though.  With "I dont know" it leaves the possibility of him deciding on "yes" in the back of my mind. Even if he did say no right now..i don’t think i would really believe that he doesn’t want to at all.  It drives me crazy.  I am not currently interested in dating anyone else but him..but i often think about what if someone else comes along? I know he will be a huge factor in my decision of whether or not i want to date someone else.  I would feel guilty being interested in anyone else..because i know he does have some kind of feelings for me.  I have no reason to feel guilty because it would be his own damn fault for giving me "i don’t know’s" for the past year.. but i can’t help it.  I care about him, and I care about his feelings, and I don’t ever want to hurt him.  I’d rather he hurt me 100 times than me hurt him one time.  Isn’t that sick?..i don’t know whats wrong with me…

I just feel so helpless…like theres nothing i can do to convince him to trust me..and to "let go of his thoughts"  that are holding him back.  I feel like this is just an endless cycle..and in a few days, things will go back to the way they were.  I’ll try and supress my feelings, smile, and pretend i’m ok with being just friends.