why can’t I ever think of good titles?

I wish I kept up on this thing more.. I usually end up writing in spurts..then i forget i even have an OD for a while. Theres actually been times where i’ve wanted to write, usually when i’m sad..but usually by that point, i’ve exhausted the issue thats making me sad in my own head, and i don’t want to write about it anymore..just don’t want to think about it. But most of the time..i just forget.

I did a practicum at Niagara Falls High School last week. It was by far the worst one i’ve done. I found myself going “oh my god..” a lot in my head. I couldn’t believe some of the things that went on there. There were two teachers, both of which are lazy. The teacher i was observing, is scary, and not friendly. He has a nasty temper, and swears a lot..in front of students too. I was BORED to tears almost. I sat there..all day..everyday. Now..i know what you’re thinking..that all practicums are boring..but no.. the teacher wasn’t running a lesson schedule all week. He had two periods of band rehearsals, and thats it. I sat in his office for the other 10 periods in the day doing nothing but staring at the walls, watching him “do work ” on his computer, or try and go online on my phone/play games. It was terrible. At the beginning of the week I thought he had a legitimate excuse for not running lessons. It was that since they were hosting an all county festival, he had a lot of paperwork to do and get sent out. I was just kind of annoyed that he didnt tell me not to come in that week, because there would be nothing for me to do. Then as the week went on..i just realized he wasnt having lessons because he was lazy, and just used the all county thing as an excuse. I saw him spend maybe…2-3 hours total, in the whole week working on stuff for the all county festival. He tooled around on google sometimes, looked for band music online..etc. Nothing that he couldn’t have gotten done in his normal planning periods.

Being there just confimed that i really…really don’t want to teach public school. The teacher i was observing was just..miserable it seemed like. He seemed burned out, and didn’t really love his job, he just did it because…it’s his job. The other teacher was basically the same, his manerism i mean..i didn’t see him teach, but i got the same vibe from him. I think i would hate my life if i taught in public school. I can’t picture myself not playing in an ensemble of some kind. I feel like thats what would happen if i teach. I feel like all the teachers ive had/seen dont ever play anymore. That is really sad to me. They obviously majored in music because it was something they loved..but i feel like teaching in public school isnt about making music anymore, on a higher level i mean. Its all about teaching kids that dont want to be there to play mediocre band music. And if you end up teaching young kids, its not about music hardly at all. Its about “this is a whole note, it gets 4 beats…this is how you hold your instrument…” More power to the elementary teachers out there..because i don’t think i could do it, i’d go crazy.

I’ve been worrying about money a lot lately. By the time i graduate from Fredonia, i will have about 20,000$ in debt. Then i have to go to grad school still……thats at least another 40k probly. Thats insane..i will be 24ish years old, and be 60,000$ in debt???!??!?! i cant do that, i’d be living at home until im 45…because id be too poor to afford..life. At this point, i dont see how grad school is possible for me. I cannot have that much debt on my shoulders..i just refuse. The amount i have already is too much. I am jealous of my friends whose parents just pay for their tuition. My parents don’t have the money to do that..not even close. It’s just kind of ironic to me that, the people who need the money more never get it. Its an endless cycle..if you are born to parents who are struggling financially, you are probably going to struggle too. They wont have the money to give you to get an education, so you will end up taking out thousands of dollars and have a huge debt before you even step out into the real world. You’ll end up struggling too..and the cycle starts all over again. My parents aren’t poor, definitely not, but they don’t have 20,000 to give me either.. i get some financial aid..but not nearly enough. It’s really been depressing me lately honestly. I’ve thought about just teaching after i get done at Fredonia, so that i have a secure job..instead of going to grad school and persuing performance..where i’d most likely never have a secure job. At least not until i’d been around the performance world for awhile most likely. I think i might want to kill myself though..if i end up teaching public school. I’ve never been able to picture myself as a band director, i just majored in music ed. because it seemed like the thing to do. I liked music..well, be a band director. Being a performance major never really ocurred to me until my freshman year at fredonia. Im glad i added it though. I love playing and i don’t ever want to not play.

i’ve gotten distracted..maybe i’ll finish later..