mess in my head!

i can’t think of a title for this..cause its just about random stuff ive been thinking about.

I really think i have the strangest relationship ever with my parents. I don’t know what is wrong with me, but i close up almost completely to them. I am not myself at all. Especially my dad…he would disapprove of so many things i do..so its just best to not tell him about my life. it makes me sad though…i look at other people, like my friends and relationships they have with their parents..and its so foreign to me…i feel like mine is so abnormal. I can’t talk about anything with my parents..boys, friends, things i do, i dont know why..it just makes me uncomfortable..so i just pretty much avoid it. Its not like we don’t talk, but we never talk about anything..like..of substance. i do a little with my mom..like i tell her about my friends and stuff im doing..but my dad..our daily conversations consist of “so whatd you do today”…”not much..” “you have to work tomorrow?” “no..” no exagerration….it really makes me sad…but explains so much about my choice in men.. in my case, its completely true that i am attracted to people who are like my father..I look for things are lacking in that relationship..at least some things. Jeff, scott, and Dan..all trumpet players..my dad..a trumpet player.. I am never attracted to people my own age. Theyve got to be older than me, even if its only a year or two…jeff is the only boy i was ever interested in who was my age. Dan and scott were both 5 and 4 years older than me..I don’t know why..i need to feel like i am taken care of..not like, financially..but someone can be there for me to take care of me, someone who is responsible. I have trouble opening up to people, guys especially..I don’t think its too far fetched to say its partly because ive never had an open relationship with my dad..its always been very closed. I never had a strong relationship with a guy until jeff…and i was completely attached to him, i felt like i needed him, couldn’t be with out him…which is why i broke up with him eventually..i realized it wasnt healthy..and i had to learn to be on my own..and i have for the most part i think.

ive been feeling very…like im walking into a wall repeatedly or something. Im confused about what i want relationship wise..who i want…and why im not dating anyone..all of my friends here are either engaged, or in serious relationships..all of them. Don’t get me wrong, i am completely happy for them, i just can’t help but feel like, why havent i found someone..i dont want to get married yet..but i wouldnt mind a boyfriend..its been over a year.. ..i dont know..i don’t really want to say anymore about it……………..