TITS!

ha..u only opened this because it said tits..u perverts:~D…now u have to read it..hahaaa

Today i had to teach in methods. I was real nervous:~/ i got up..things were going..ok. Dr. levy jumped in and took over a couple times…which makes me nervous..cause i feel like i was doing bad..so she needed to jump in…but she does do it to a lot of people..so maybe its not such an awful thing. i just get real nervous in front of people:~/ especially my peers. Miranda said i did good tho..that it was organized..and the things i said were clear as to what i wanted..idk..im just second guessing myself as usual..i really am not sure how i did:~/

I saw scott today…whom i havent seen since FEBRUARY..i got real scared when i was going outside to meet him. I saw him, and i started shaking a little bit. I dont know why. He looks good, the same as he did before. We hugged for a long time, he told me i looked really good. I was only able to see him for about 20 minutes though. He was on his way home from niagara falls..and i made him stop through at fredonia on his way. Cause..i havent seen him in forever, and im not sure if i’ll see him again once he leaves for florida. I felt very different around him. I could feel that the closeness we used to have is gone. Its a little bit sad..im not sad in the sense that i miss him, because i think i can finally say that i am over him, just, its sad because..idk, its just different..sad that i gave him a lot of me (literally…) and it ended, unfairly. And i can just feel it..that its gone, we’re not close anymore, not even as friends..i hate losing friends.

next…i played in studio today, it ended up going better than i thought it would. I was nervous..still..but i didnt completely freak. I had a few people tell me it sounded really good….and i sort of believe them. I think parts of it sounded good, but i know there was stuff i messed up, and i think thats what throws me, and makes me feel like the whole thing was bad…even though i know it wasnt. godddd i hate being in my head sometimes…

Next….quintet rehearsal..kind of irritated me. People start dictating..and everyone takes everything personally. Particularly from one person i think…it sometimes comes out wrong maybe. Everyone keeps telling me to play louder…play louder….ok..i’ll play louder..but when im blowing so hard i feel like im going to have an annurism…that means MAYBE you should back off a little too….it cant be ALL my fault.. when i say “yeah i feel like im blowing a lot..how can u not hear me” dont say “no, ur not, u can be louder..” um…fuck u. I feel like i have to play LOUD all the time just to be heard..and thats not how it should be..everyone needs to read the music..read the dynamics and do them….pisses me off. Im not saying im perfect..and i can give more if its really my fault….but im saying..dont blame it all on me when youre allllll just playing loud the entire time. grrrrrrrrrr…….

ok…its past my bedtime