disgusted

im having one of those days where when i look in the mirror im just disgusted with what i see. Now im going to start off by saying i am NOT writing this to get attention..im not writing this to get the “ur fine the way you are” responses..i wont believe it, and it wont change how i see myself. Im just writing cause sometimes it helps me, to get it all out. I just feel..disgusted with myself..no better word to describe it. Its hard to get around eating stuff that makes me fat. When im at school, everything there is full of fat..most of it is fast food..and the rest is just gross. Its all they offer..how am i supposed to get aound it? when im home..i just wanna eat cause im deprived of real food when im away. Its a lose lose situation here. At school, i try to go to the gym..and run my fat ass on a tread mill..and do crunches til i feel like i may pass out..but its hard for me to do it on a regular basis, cause one, i dont have time every day..and when i do have time, sometimes im just too exhausted, and just wanna take a nap. At home..i have no where to go..i cant afford a membership to a gym..and right now its too cold to run outside. I dont want to do it sporadically..i want to do it regularly but its hard. It doesnt help that its winter either. When youre tan..gross fat doesnt look as bad..at least on me it doesnt. Also my face just looks so much different..better when its tan. I cant keep up tanning tho..no money..and its bad for u i know..so i only go occasionally. uggghhhhhhh i am so frustrated. I hate feeling like this, i feel like theres nothing i can do..i hate being so gross. i wont lie..its been more than today ive been feeling like this..but its finally just slapping me in the face today..i cant take it anymore..or ignore it anymore. I would loooveee to lose like…15lbs…but i dont know that when i got there id be satisfied. Id probly want to lose more. My body goes through stages..its weird..for awhile..i’ll be pretty thin…or at least feel like i am..then for awhile i’ll feel huge..like right now. I just feel gross..like none of my clothes look good on me..i just dont look good period. In my conducting class we get taped every class when we conduct…and every time id watch my tape, i would just say, ew, is that what i really look like? i dont trust mirrors anymore. im disgusted by my appearence and don’t know what to do with myself.