Not fair..

Its not fair. Do you ever wonder why you end up having feelings for the people you do? What is it about them, that is so appealing to you? How come we can’t chose who we are going to fall for? That would make things so much easier.

I was reading someones live journal entry thats kind of about this..and it sort of hit me..which explains this entry. Its completely me..i am in that situation. I cant say that i wish i wasn’t either. Its like, you can’t help it. When you fall for someone, you usually fall hard, and when that person isnt there to break the fall, it really hurts when you hit the ground. Its very frustrating too, the other person never asked for you to fall for them, so you can’t really expect too much back from them if they don’t feel the same. Finding out if they do feel the same, is quite possibly one of the scariest things to do. The fear of rejection is so much more overwhelming than that of asking out a random person on a date or something. Its more scary, because, you run the risk of really getting hurt. You truly have feelings for this person, and that makes you SO much more vulnerable. Myself especially i think, because i don’t really get feelings for a lot of guys. I may be infatuated with someone for a short amount of time..but nothing substantial usually lasts. The fact that i can’t walk away from this person, no matter how many times i get disappointed, tells me that its not just an infatuation.

Now i don’t want to make this sound like, one sided. If i didnt think this other person felt something too, i wouldn’t persue it. He gives me reason to keep coming back, or keep hoping, whether he realizes it or not. Its never anything huge, it could be something he says, that will stick in my head for awhile, and makes me smile when i think about it. He knows how i feel also (maybe not to the full extent) but he knows i like him to put it simply. Which also makes me think there could be something there, because i don’t think he would lead me on, or mess with my feelings because hes not like that..hes very blunt, i don’t see him being the type of guy to play games. If he didnt want to get to know me more on that level, he would tell me. But on the other hand, i do know that he likes to keep me wondering..that gives him the upper hand..and he likes that. so i guess that sort of is a game…but if he didnt want to get to know me on the “more than friends” level, he would tell me. God, hed be smiling right now reading this..listening to me going back and forth in my head..trying to guess.

Theres the issue of timing in my case. Which is also very frustrating..I dont really want to explain that though.

I just feel like im beating my head against the wall, but i can’t stop:~(