worst Easter ever.

so this is Easter, i guess….

I’m so down tonight, i hate it.  I know AF is coming and i really think that makes me way more depressed…

Also, the whole family Easter thing that i’m not really a part of anymore..  it really hurts.

Although, i’ll probably bring the girls over there for a little while anyway.. (my grandparents’ house, for those of you who don’t know what i mean).  I don’t think they should miss out on seeing everyone, even if my instinct is too just stay away altogether.  It just isn’t the same anymore.. and it probably never will be.. scratch that, it won’t be.

But I also know that my Grandpa won’t be around forever and I love him a lot, so even though I don’t agree with him, i really do want to see him more.  I just feel that Charles thinks i’m betraying him somehow if I do.. he doesn’t get it.  I don’t really either, but i know my Grandpa.. and well.. Jenn, at least you get it.

Charles and I are semi-fighing.  You see, for some reason I cannot keep a house clean.  I can’t.  I have WAY too much stuff and I can’t focus on doing one thing at a time.  I get overwhelmed and I stop, or I do 3/4 of 18 diffferent projects and then never finish… for, well… forever.  So, needless to say, i needed help cleaning up the house for tomorrow morning.  VERY rarely do i ask him to clean, he usually just does it.  However, all this weekend he’s been gone… Friday he went golfing, then we went to the house, signed the lease, all went to the first night of a basketball tournament he was  playing in, stopped to eat (although I can’t for the life of me remember where.. kind of scary, and i refuse to ask him now), then home to bed.

Today he was gone all freaking day playing in the darn basketball tournament.  When he was playing, his team won the championship by the way, he rolled his ankle and it was a bit swollen and painful.  Now, i feel bad for him, but i needed some help.  He said he’d clean up the kitchen..

well, earlier I had realized that since it was 80 degrees today (!!!!!) the girls’ Easter candy (only their big chocolate piece, thank GOD!) had melted from a huge pretty chocolate egg.. to a puddle.  So after we colored eggs (didn’t get done til a little after 8pm) and i got the girls to bed, i ran out for chocolate bunnies and a few other last minute items.  I was assuming that while i was out he would pick up the house a bit.

So I called him on my way home (at 10pm..), EXHAUSTED, and asked what he was doing….. He was doing nothing.. resting his ankle and watching TV.  you know what? normally I wouldn’t care, but tomorrow is a holiday and I’m the only one that seems to care.  To be honest, the only reason I care is for the girls.  So we hung up…

A few minutes later I called him in tears.. he could tell i was upset.  but when i get upset, he gets angry.  It is soooooooooooo inconducive to actually calming me down.. i don’t know why he can’t see that. 

Anyway when i got home he was cleaning the kitchen, we didn’t speak to each other.  Later, we exchanged some angry words, he ignored me as i hid the kids’ eggs. 
He said a few civil things to me, but when i was done i just came up here by myself.. and typed this out…

Oh and Dave is angry with me too..

When he took the girls bowling with his girlfriend and her two kids, they went in their little Toyota Carola (SP??) .  Yes SIX people.  So they had his girlfriend’s 7 year old son sit on the floor of the passenger side in the front.  So I let him know that I simply don’t trust his or her judgement, and I don’t feel that the girls are safe there.  He just makes STUPID decisions.!!  and he lies.. ugh.  He told me that Jen and her kids were going to take a cab to the bowling alley.. then when i questioned him on the whole thing, he said they couldn’t afford bowling/food at the alley/and a cab.. hmmm…. but they could afford to put a little boy’s life in danger..

anyway, he’s mad at me.  I am horrible and karma is going to get me and he can’t wait to see it happen.. yeah, that’s what he said.  Whatever, he always makes me out to be an evil bitch.

the sad thing is that sometimes I miss  him.  Not the real him that lied to me.. but the person I thought he was…  and I miss living with someone who loves my kids as much as I do.. because although Chuck does love them, he isn’t their parent.. and that does make a difference.. at least i think so..

ok well my eyeballs are going to fall out and i’m sure the kids will be up super early to look in their baskets and hunt eggs..

so goodnight..

hopefully tomorrow will turn out OK.. but something is telling me this may be the worst Easter ever..