Michael Alan

writers block..  seriously folks.  it’s baaaad.

Who is my fav fav?  All of you.  Really.  Even YOU.

I couldn’t get by in this life without OD at this point.  Ya’ll make me feel that I’m okay.  Even good most days.

Let’s see… I need to catch up here.  Mike died on Dec 5th.  Alone,  sleeping on the couch in front of the television with the remote still in his hand.  My Mom and Dad went to check on him on the 6th and found him.  My Mom called me at work and left a voicemail.  "Dawn.. Mike’s Dead!"   click.   I basically lost it at that point.  Thank God Dana was here.  She is my rock.  This woman, who works for me, basically saves my butt each and every day.  I am truly grateful for her.

ANYWAY.. I called back to Mike’s house immediately and chaos had ensued; Coroner, sheriff etc.  She’d left Mark, my oldest brother,  the very same voicemail.  He went over there.  I decided to wait and then meet my folks at their house.  I didn’t want to see Mike that way… I just couldn’t.  Later at my Mom’s Anthony came with his girlfriend.  Anthony is Mike’s youngest son.. age 22 I think?

The next few days are a blur really.  We had Mike cremated to later scatter his ashes on the Hoh river sometime this summer.  We had a funeral the Friday after the Thursday huge windstorm here in the Northwest.  We had it in the Indianola church with no power by candelight.  Just family,  My oldest brother Mark and his wife, My younger brother Willie and Carla.  Anthony, Michael and Johnathon and his wife Emerald.  My mother and father.  The cold and candlelight seemed so appropriate.  My mother read the most beautiful letter from my oldest sister Donna.  I read Amazing Grace and a prayer which I’d like to post at the end of this entry so I remember.  The pastor sang Amazing Grace with his guitar to close the ceremony.  Mike is no longer trapped in his body.  He is now devoid of pain and I’d like to believe he’s with the Lord, knowing his true self, knowing his ‘name’.

The rest of the month we have spent on and off over at Mike’s cleaning, organizing, pilaging (don’t get me started).  I shampoo’d the carpets over the holiday break.  My sister Donna and her husband came over the holidays and Marko and I got to spend some nice time with them.  Though they are going through a lot right now, losing jobs, possibly losing their house etc.

I have good days and bad days.  I miss my big brother.  We were very close.  The alocoholism was not something I could fix.  He was always there for me.  We talked practically every day and I got so used to caring for him.  He was my friend and just about the only person I could truly talk to.  Even writing this is very hard for me as tears are pouring down my face 🙁  Both my mother and I are at a loss that we are not having to care for him.  I can no longer ask him to come up for dinner.. "please Mike, can you come sober?"  When we went through the kitchen last weekend, it was still full of food Mom and brought over so that he was eating right.  I took all his spices home.  I have all his plants.  I took back all the gifts I’ve given him over the years.  They don’t mean anything to anybody but me.  I will buy his dining room furniture from the estate.  These are all just things.  My mother keeps bringing stuff over to my house, so weird.  All I want though, is my big brother… here… alive.  I know it cannot be so.

My mother during the funeral, her remembrance of Mike: She said she kept thinking about him when he was little,  when she brought me home from the hospital.  That was it.. I was HIS baby.  He took it upon himself to take care of me.  Wherever I was.. Mike was there to make sure nobody was doing anything to his baby he didn’t approve of.

I can’t do this any more.  I’ll come back later to add the song and the prayer.

Thank you for listening.

Dawn

 *edit add the prayers*

Dear God,  You have known me and loved me from the first moment of my life.  Now you are with me at the time of Mike’s death.  Thank you for always being with me.  I know you will receive Mike into your presence and care for him eternally.  Give us strength and comfort as we let go of Mike and he moves into your hands.  Let us be assured that one day we will meet again.  In faith and love we commit Michael to you who are eternal love.

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound,  That saved a wretch like me, I once was lost, but now am found, Was blind but now I see.

Was grace that taught my heart to fear, And grace my fear relieved, How precious did that grace appear, the hour I first believed.

Through many dangers toils and snares, I have already come, Tis grace that brought me safe thus far, And grace will lead me home.