Sometimes I Wonder
Today was Liam’s due date. it was a hard day to get through, even though I knew all along we wouldn’t make it this far. Sometimes I wonder if he would have been ok if I’d been able to hold on until now, but I seriously doubt it. We would have either gone through it now or it would have been worse. By worse I mean that we would have lost him before he was born and wouldn’t have gotten a happy birth experience before our world came crumbling down. I miss him so much. I broke down earlier, and cried while talking to him. I told him how sorry I was that I failed him. I told him that I miss him and that I wish I was with him, but I can’t be because his daddy and big brother need me. I tried to explain to him that they need me here because while he never has to know sadness and pain, we that are still down here do and I need to be here to help them. Not that I’m very good at it, I can’t even help myself. I told him again that I love him so much and that I hope he’s watching over us with Gammy, Miracle, and God. I promised him that I would see him one day and that I will hold him and all of my children for eternity when my time comes. It seems so far away, but I know that time here will seem like the blink of an eye once I’m home. For now, the pain lingers on. Some days are so hard and others are less hard. They aren’t anywhere near easy yet. Darryl told me earlier that he does read my diary. I already knew that, but it lead to us having a family discussion about how Ville has been behaving, how it’s ok to feel sad, and our feelings about a few things. Sometimes I wish Ville wasn’t so much like us. Darryl’s gotten a lot better at communicating, but I have issues expressing my feelings and emotions. I don’t like being seen as vulnerable, so I break down alone. I also just feel like I need to grieve alone. I don’t know why, it’s just harder to let myself just feel everything and let my emotions go when other people are around. At least my thoughts are a bit more coherent, for now anyway. I just wish my arms wouldn’t ache so bad. The weight of the ache is the hardest thing for me to deal with. You’d think I’d be used to it, since it’s been there for 5 years, come the 18th. It just gets worse and worse. Sometimes the ache weighs them down so much I can hardly move them. I guess they carry the weight of all of my hopes and dreams. Speaking of dreams, I finally dreamed about Liam last night! I don’t remember much, but I know he was alive in the dream and I was holding him, looking into his eyes, and talking to him. As much as it crushed me to wake up and remember that it was just a dream, I woke up happier than I have since the day we lost him. I’ve begged God to let me dream of him and I finally did. The dream felt so right, though my arms have ached so much more since then. I just kind of laid in bed cradling Liam’s bear, just to have something in my arms. I hate being asked if I’m ok. I usually wait to respond until, for a moment, I actually feel ok. That way I’m not really lying, but I don’t burden these people with my pain. I also just don’t know how to answer any other way. If it’s face to face, I usually just say, "Ok, I guess." If I told the truth, we’d be there all day! I’m not ok, but there are moments when I can breathe and function. Some moments I also breakdown. Most of the time I’m numb and just plain lost in my own head. I’m very thankful for the support i have. There are a few who have just been amazing, and the weirdest thing is that I hardly know these people! I have 3 friends that I know in "real" life, two of them have randomly texted me and either cheered me up or just let me know they were there. The other friend sent me one message, but she really doesn’t know what to say. I grew up with her, the other two I’ve only known a relatively short time. My two Twitter friends both messaged me to say they were worried about me, that they were sorry, and that they loved me. The one i’m closest to told me the dreaded, "You can try again." I love her to death, and I know she’s been through something similar, but I haven’t messaged her back since then. Then there’s the people here. I received so many kind words and so much love and encouragement on here, from absolute strangers! There’s a few of you that I read somewhat regularly before this, (When I had internet!) but a lot of you I did not. Some of you know the pain I feel and some don’t, but no one here has said anything to me that didn’t make me smile. This is why I love this site. I come here to get my thoughts out because it’s the only way I know how. I keep my stuff public because I feel like someone else out there might be going through the same thing and maybe reading my diary will help them see they’re not alone. I never expected the amazing amount of support I’ve received and I just want to thank you all. <3
My dear sweet Liam,
Today was the day you were "supposed" to be born. Something told me you would come early, but I never thought you would also leave me so soon. While the day you were born was the saddest day of my life, it will always be one of the happiest days too because I got to see you and hold you for the first time. I don’t know if you had left us when they placed you in my arms, but I hope and pray every day that you got to feel the love in my embrace. Even if you didn’t, I know that you must feel it every day, for it radiates throughout my entire being every moment of every day. I will see you and your big sister again one day, and then you will both know just how much I love you, if you don’t already know. I miss you both so much, but I know you are safe in Heaven with God and Gammy at your side. I know that you are both happy and free from the pain that consumes us here. We will carry this burden with us until we meet you in Heaven, until then know that you are always and forever in our hearts and that we love you and miss you more each and every day. I carry your love in my heart until I see you again. Love you always and forever, Mommy <3
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