Stoneheart

My heart is heavy. I’m very angry and bitter right now, last night especially. I just shut down and let the anger consume me for a bit. It’s easier than the constant misery. I feel guilty though, because Darryl opened up some last night and I was just completely emotionally unavailable. I can’t help it, I don’t know how to be strong right now. I’m a little better today, but the anger is still there, simmering beneath the surface. I’m not sure who I’m actually angry at right now. God, for allowing all of this to happen, Darryl for wanting to wait so long before we can even start trying to have another baby, myself for even thinking about another baby? Hell, I’m mad at myself for several reasons. Part of me believes that I should have known that something was wrong. Maybe on some level I did and that’s why I’m so angry. I was terrified of going to the hospital, but couldn’t figure out why. Everyone says I should talk to lawyers to see if I have a case. Against who? Medicaid for giving me the runaround for so long? Every doctor’s office who refused to see me? The entire state for being such dumbfucks when it comes to government health care? I don’t want money anyway, it won’t bring my son back and suing anybody won’t change a damn thing. The government will still be damn near impossible to deal with when providing assistance. They were 7 years ago and they still are today, trying to sue them to teach them a lesson won’t do anything. The state doesn’t care about me or my little boy, if they cared at all they wouldn’t allow doctors to refuse a patient because they lack health insurance. They wouldn’t allow state run assistance to continually lose paperwork without consequences. They don’t care, and one heartbroken mother and a beautiful little angel won’t change anything. All I can do is speak out and let everyone I know know about these things. Maybe that would make a difference, but a lawsuit isn’t going to, even if I had proof that I was denied medical care several times. I’m angry at myself because I feel like I should have fought harder. I don’t know what more I should have done, but I should have done it anyway. I’m a fighter by nature when it comes to what I love and believe in. I fought my entire pregnancy. I feel so lost because I feel like I should still be fighting for my little boy, but I can’t win a war against God. He won’t give him back no matter how much I fight. I guess I have to fight in his name, bring peace for us both by trying to make a difference for other mother’s and their precious little ones, so they don’t ever have to go through this heartache. I refuse to believe there’s a reason good enough for God to have taken my son, but maybe that’s what I’m supposed to do. It’s nowhere good enough a reason for me (or anyone for that matter) to go through this pain, but maybe that’s the direction I’m supposed to take now. My only wish is that I could have just had a dream that I needed to do this or something. I’m giving by nature, I didn’t need such a huge heartbreak to discover that. I feel like I’m rambling, that I’m not making any sense, but I need to vent my thoughts. They’re all over the place right now and I just need to get them out of my head. I can’t seem to open up to anyone because I end up sobbing and can’t speak anyway, so I write here. I can cry and still type and the thoughts just rush out. So that’s what I do, and thankfully I should have internet at home soon so I can write more often. I think that will be good for me, to be able to write whenever I need to. I hope it helps because as easy as being numb is, I need to be there for the boys. I also need my heart to heal before I get pregnant again. So for now, though I may be depressed and it might hurt like hell, I need to focus on healing and being there for my family. <3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Rhonda Ford

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