Denial

I’m fairly certain I’m in denial. I feel like this is all a dream, like I’ll wake up soon and still be pregnant. This can’t be my life. These things, they only happen in Lifetime movies right? Logically, I know this is real, but my mind keeps whispering, "What if it’s not?" My mind wants me to believe that he was sleeping when we held him and that if I wait and believe long enough, I’ll wake up and he’ll be there. It doesn’t help that my body is back to normal, aside from the leaking boobs thing. To the world, it looks like I was never pregnant. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I was and that this is all real, then I break down. I don’t want it to be real. I’m not strong enough for this. The longing and ache in my arms just grows stronger every day. I need to hold my baby. Its a longing that most don’t seem to understand. The last thing I want to do is wait another 5 years to get pregnant again. That’s Darryl’s plan. I know no matter how many children I have, none of them will ever replace Liam, but I don’t want to wait. I would never even try to replace him, but I need a baby. I can’t explain it. I feel like I was born to be a mom and it’s so hard to wait when its something I want so bad it hurts. Everyone seems to take my desire to get pregnant again so quickly as me trying to replace our son. I don’t expect them to understand, but I hope they realize that I would never want to replace him. I just want what I’ve waited so long for. It took us over 4 years to get pregnant with Liam. Four long years, that felt like absolute torture. I was finally starting to accept that it would probably never happen when I found out I was pregnant. That day was the happiest day of my life. I just don’t think I can go through another several years of wanting something so badly. I really have no idea how to explain the way I feel about this. I need to figure it out before it becomes an issue. Every time it’s come up I’ve gotten depressed. I know we have to discuss this and we both need to be on the same page about it, but it’s not easy. I can tell I’ve shut myself off from people. They ask if I’m ok and I just nod. How can I begin to explain how not ok I am? Why would they even ask, do they really think I can be ok? I don’t know how to open up about anything, much less something that has hurt me so deeply that I can’t see an end to the pain, so how can I begin to talk about it? I’m lost and I know it’s selfish to keep everything to myself, but grief is a selfish process. I forget where I read that, but I’ve never read something so true. It’s very selfish. I break down on my own. I fake it and get through each day when I’m around people, but at night and in the morning I break. I hide, so I don’t have to share my feelings. I know Darryl hurts and I try to be there, but I don’t want him around me when I’m at my most vulnerable. I hate the comforting. I hate that I feel even weaker when he holds me and tries to make everything ok. I know he means well and it kills him even more that he can’t fix this no matter how much he wishes he could, so I hide and break alone. I just don’t know what else to do. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Rhonda Ford

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