Every Day
Every day begins the same. I wake up and I remember.I hate being awake, all I want to do is cry. I’m still a mother, my only living child still needs me though. I just don’t know how to go on knowing I’ll never hold my little boy again. I’d give anything to go back and tell myself, to somehow make sure he’d be ok. God, this is the worst pain I’ve ever felt.Its not fair. We waited so long for a miracle to happen, why were we given such a precious gift, just to have him taken from us? What did we do to deserve this punishment? I keep wanting to pray, then I remember how many times and how hard I prayed for my son. How can God be so cruel? I want to die, but Ville needs me, so I find a way. My arms ache, I just want to hold my baby. They feel useless, like dead weight. My milk is starting to come in, and I know its going to kill me. I need help, I just don’t know where to find it. I need people who understand, not just my family, because they are in the same place I am. The pain is fresh. Will it ever lessen? I can’t imagine how it would. I’ll never have my son back, never hold him again. I’ll never get to do the things with him that I’ve done with Ville. He looked so much like his father, so much. I just don’t understand. I’m angry at myself and at God, for taking him from me. I need him here. He needs his family and we need him, but instead he’s so far away. I miss him.
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Wow, I can not imagine the pain you must be feeling in this moment. I am do sorry that this had to happen up you. I just recently had my first child( a son), and can not imagine losing him the way you lost your son. It’s just do sad and tragic. My heart aches for you:( And to know that you recently lost your mom, and have also lost another child, makes this even more horrible. I don’t even know what to say. If you ever need to talk, to vent or anything, please don’t hesitate! I think this site is perfect in situations such as this. We are here for you!! I know the pain you feel will never completely subside, but just know that your angel is in a better place. Stay strong!
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It’s okay to be angry and grieving – even at God! I believe your son’s soul is eternal and his existence is precious even if it were for a short time. I don’t know why this happened either, we will probably never know, until the end. I was at a funeral lately for a woman who died very suddenly at a young age (she had a blood clot in her brain) and left behind 5 young children. It seemed so senseless, but we are on the wrong side of the tapestry, so to speak, so we just see the loose threads. That does not make it any less painful in the here and now, or the loss of your beautiful child in this world less upsetting. It is right and natural to grieve for somebody we love and can’t be with. God was not punishing you though. Sadly, these things happen sometimes, and nobody is immune to pain and loss on this earth, no matter how ‘good’ we are. But I do believe, in the end, death does not get the final say. I was thinking of you a little bit today (even though you don’t know me)!
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talk to your doctor, or a social worker at the hospital. unfortunetly there are others out there like you, going through what you are agoing thru. mothers with milk coming in and empty arms, with no baby to hold. there could be a support group, or maybe you could start one? call your doctors office in the morning, let them know of your need. i am so sorry for your loss, and your pain.
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I’m so sorry. I feel that anything that I could write would be the wrong thing. I will pray for you because that is what I do. You did nothing to deserve this at all. I wish that I could help you out but I am far away.
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I know OD people are not the same as people in your real life, there to cry with you and play with your other son and so on, but please know we are here for you. I don’t know the pain you describe. All of us have had various pains but I never lost a child after he was born. My miscarriage was much earlier and I do still cry but mostly now I think about how that child (I think it was a girl but don’t really know) would be 19 now. I’m shocked by the way time does go on, when at one time I didn’t want to wake up. This is a spiritual crisis for you and I want to tell you I’m thinking of you and hoping you are finding even a tiny speck of joy today in something despite the great loss. *hugs*
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*gentle caring hug*
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