Step One

So stressed. Got a place, put the rest of the deposit yesterday morning. I moved all the stuff from my dad’s house to ours. The house was fine when I got all the stuff in there. It was cool, so cool that I thought I needed to raise the air. Come to find out, we don’t have a unit. We decided to stay at my dad’s last night until we could get ahold of the landlord. I started to shower at our place and the fucking shower knobs wouldn’t work right. Once I finally got them to work we had no warm water. Called the landlord after we got up this morning and he told us they’d be out either today or tomorrow. Lovely. We decided to stay another night and called them back to come tomorrow. I hope like hell they don’t put it off again. I’ll throw a fucking fit. Anyways, Darryl started work yesterday, which was why I had to move everything by myself. He seems to enjoy it, but he’s worried because they like to hire temps and he’s worried they’ll let him go. He’s busting his ass, but that doesn’t always mean anything. Lovely. We can’t afford this place on one income. We can’t afford any place here on one income. My stress levels are through the roof. In fact, I’m fairly certain I’m on the verge of a massive panic attack. I haven’t had one in a few months and that was the only one I’ve had since I’ve been pregnant. I need to calm down, but I won’t be able to until I know that everything’s settled. Obviously most of it is because of the situation, but I think part of it is because of my weight and those issues. I took a big step today though. Darryl and I were talking about all kinds of random stuff and I told him about the body dismorphic disorder and how it affects my mind. I explained how, even at 110 lbs I saw myself at my higher weight. He still doesn’t get it, but he’s trying to be supportive. Of course, I’m still doing everything I should and being healthy, but some days its so hard. This picture describes what I go through so perfectly. He says I was never sick thin, but what worries me is I’ll never be able to tell. I’m so worried that one day I’ll fall back into these habits and it’ll get even worse. *sigh* I miss it, but I don’t. So much running through my mind and I just need to escape. At least I took the first step and talked to him about some of the issue. Maybe, just maybe it’ll help me in the long run.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Rhonda Ford

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