Understanding
So, he finally got over himself. He told me that he was upset because I think he doesn’t understand what I’m going through. Newsflash! He doesn’t. How the hell could he? Yeah, we both suffer/ed from depression, I know he understands that, but how could he understand the crippling anxiety? How could he understand the fear of food and the even more crippling anxiety that comes along with having to eat? How could he understand the fact that even though I hated myself and everything about what I was doing, that I still miss it? How could he understand that I miss torturing myself by thinking about food 24/7 but not allowing myself to have any? It’s the "control." I don’t miss being miserable all the time, I miss that false sense of control. Yes, I know I was severely out of control, I felt like I had some control. Right now I crave that since I have no control over most of the things that have been happening. The lack of control spikes my anxiety and I spiral deeper and deeper into depression. And how could he understand my pain and grief over losing my mom? Yeah, his real dad is dead, but he never knew him. I don’t pretend I understand his grief over that. I know it hurts him, but it’s not the same. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt as bad, just that it’s different. My mom and I were very close. Yeah, we had our differences and we weren’t as close as we were when I was a kid, but we were still close. I don’t expect him to understand any of this because he hasn’t been through it. Hell, I kept the entry private because I don’t expect anybody to understand the fucked up inner workings of my brain. I admit, I wrote about missing cutting and even missing the ED, but I’ve been so good since I got pregnant. No matter how tempted I might be or how much I might miss it, I refuse to go back, especially while it would endanger my unborn son. Hell, I won’t even cut even though I woke up this morning after having a dream about it and I was triggered as fuck because of how real the dream was. I refuse to hurt anyone but myself, and even then I am going to try and get help so I don’t fall back into those habits because no matter how much I may miss them, my kids need me to be strong and healthy. I never expected anyone to understand because they are not in my shoes, so why be mad that I know you don’t understand? Men… We talked and I think he at least understood that point. He asked what I wanted him to do and I told him nothing, just be by my side. I’d meant to write this yesterday, but I couldn’t after writing what I did write. I couldn’t really think of much else yesterday. Some days I just feel like I’m a hollow shell of a person because I can feel the depression creeping back in. It’s been fighting to since I lost my mom and on some days it kind of wins because I just feel numb. It’s days like those that I just want to let it take back over, but I can’t function when I do. I need to be able to function because Ville needs me. Some days I’m so tired of being strong and I just want to break but I’m afraid I won’t be able to put myself back together to be strong for him. He needs me most because he’s Mommy’s little boy. He’s so sensitive, so I do my best to be strong. He needs to know that everything will be ok. I’m here to show him that. I’m so terrified that my kids will end up like me. I don’t want depression to run their lives. It will break my heart if I ever find out that my kids have hurt themselves the way I have. This is why I have to keep myself strong. This is why no matter how broken I may be on the inside, I will always be strong for my children.
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