the napoleon complex and continuity errors.

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i try to fill in the blanks about what has happened to me over the last ten days. i remember, i remember, scene missing, drifting, i remember, 40 40 i call home. i know i spent 3 days blitzing Ps back garden with him, initially with a machete and a large fork, then parafin and oil drums, then eventually with seeds and laughter. it started to rain just as i was putting the last spring onion seed in the ground. good omens.

agriculture as the breaking of the Earths back, the last straw, the taming of wilderness, the symbol of Man s mastery and dominance over Mother Nature and the environment in which he lives. after Henry Ford, I think its one of the worse things to ever happen to history.

Borte says: it is always ‘his story’, yet I was Genghis s chief advisor, along with his mother, Hoelun, but the women are forgotten, I asked Lilith about this one day in the Garden of good and Eden, and she just smiled, Adam the Cuckold, she knew too much –

Out in Ruislip Tracy Chapman comes on the hi-fi and its like 9 months havent even passed. in my head i m at the concert in Marseille. i want to express this out loud but i cant find the words. Selective mutism.

Or, continuity errors. i used to see Vikings walking down alleyways in Dblin when i knew, deep down, they werent real. after i had come back from Sicily it still took me a long time to say the word rape and untangle what was real and what was not.

I realise my story is taking the wrong direction, its not supposed to be about this, but its maybe the first step in letting go, properly, finally, for good this time. I m feeling a lot more upbeat these days, the anvil in my stomach has dislodged, and the fly in my stomach I sent it down to dispose of is flapping its wings again.  

it hailstoned yesterday, after i had planted sunflower seeds along the fence at the front of Rehab.Bad omen? two men in suits called around to the squat yesterday morning, threatening us with eviction on Monday, if they try it will be an illegal eviction, but now that the anti-squatting clause has gone through the House of Lords I guess these people think they can threaten us more easily, 20 people, out on the street, instant homelessness, just like that, no-one gives a shit. Friday the 13th, you suck.

Silver Boy send me a message, something about wanting me to visit him at his fathers place, by the pool, i didnt reply. but i m still thinking about it, you see. i m sure he, on the other hand, is not. find another girl to fill the hole, its e

asy, bingo. i m sure he s actually relieved. or am i thinking about Red? yes, things are getting mixed up in my head.

i dont regret leaving you i m glad you re gone but i miss your dogs

years after leaving prison Red still had a complex about muscles, being big and broad and strong. this is entirely unlike Napoleon, to whom i could never write a love letter, but then, i dont know him as carnally as i know Genghis.

(this isnt entirely true, but Silver Boy is not french, so the analogy doesn’t work yet)

i picked up my new bicycle for travelling from a house off Star Lane last night, the gears work well, the brakes are good, the rack sturdy. i m happy and increasingly excited about being on the road again. Genghis would be proud.