She’s just not that into me.

That’s partly what I’ve come to terms with when it comes to Hilary, but more so than her not being that into me, I’ve thought a lot about her lately. I’ve thought a lot about us. When we go out together, we just don’t have that much fun. She gets drunk and ruins the night by getting flirtatious with every guy that passes her by. She’s not a particularly nice person. She’s made some flat out rude comments to me. And I guess I’m not one to be rude back. Maybe I should, but that’s not me. Especially when nothing is really at a stake. I’ve been going out with her partly to feel her out and see where a relationship between me and her could go, so if she does stupid stuff or does stuff that pisses me off, I don’t even feel like it’s worth fighting over because we’re not even together. I have no stake in her. If we were in a relationship and she pissed me off, I’d have a reason to stand my ground or argue, or whatever, but otherwise I just let it pass and realize that’s who she is.

Besides, I know she’s not even over the last guy she dated. She pretty much told me she just wanted to be friends and that’s it. There are things about her that I love. I wish when we went out, she could just have fun and chill with me, but she turns into this promiscuous drunk. It’s not my place to stop her from flirting with other guys cause we’re really just out as friends. The only solution I’ve come to is to just not take her out if that’s how she is. It’s really just dirty. Even though we’re not out as a couple or on a date or anything, she could still respect our time together and not use it as an opportunity to pick up men. If a guy happened to come along and they hit it off, I’d be cool with it, but she goes out of her way to make stuff happen with whatever guy she’s around. I can’t deal with that shit. I shouldn’t have to it and I won’t. I’ve only seen her become the promiscuous drunk twice, but we’ve really only went out with just the two of us twice.

So yeah, I’ve invited her to a few more things already this month. They all include the possibility of her getting wasted, but I’m going to do whatever I can to make sure that doesn’t happen and if it does, I’m just going to detach myself.

I like Hilary as a friend, but she’s just not the girl for me. It’s taken me awhile to accept this, but I think I finally have. I have to understand that she’s not the girl for me. As beautiful as she is and as cool as she can be, she’s just not the one. I need a girl that’s into me as much as I’m into her. It doesn’t look like Hilary will ever be that girl.

So, for now, I’m gonna stop worrying about any chance of a relationship with her. I’m cool with that finally. But now that rules out both Megan and Hilary as potential girlfriends. Now I no longer have any prospects on the horizon. Hopefully that will change soon enough. I just have to keep putting myself out there. She’ll come along. I hope. I was hoping Hilary might be the one, that maybe something between us would work out, but it’s time to cut my losses and move on and accept that I got a good friendship in Hilary at least.