What the fuck?

 What’s happening to me? I’m worried as all hell. I’ve always gone through small bouts of depression. But they were so small that I ruled it out as that just being the way life is. We all go through slumps, but lately I feel so full of despair. I’m seriously considering seeking medical help for this for the first time. I just feel that finding a therapist could just make things worse. It’s like I’d be opening to the floodgates to my problems instead of just letting them pass normally. 

I think part of this depression comes from the fact that everything is so perfect in my life right now, yet I feel so shitty. This morning I’ve had so many people call, text, or facebook me. I have a good network of friends I’m building. I love the people in my life right now. I just moved to a new apartment and I love it. I love where my life is headed. But I don’t think I’ve ever been fully happy and the fact that everything is going so well for me right now and I still don’t feel happy – well I think that is worsening the depression. It’s like I should be happy, but I’m not, so I worry about it and it’s been this constant cycle like that for days now. 

Not to mention I’ve always had a tendency to let negative thoughts enter my head. I’ve always been able to let them pass or block them out, though, but they seem to be taking over my life. I’ve actually shed tears over this the past few days. It’s been hard for me to keep my head up around people, because I fear that if they knew what was going on inside my head, they wouldn’t want to be around me anymore. 

I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure whether to seek help, try to help myself, or just ignore the whole thing and maybe it will pass.

I called in sick to work today. I slept until 2 this afternoon. A ton of people have been calling and texting me about shit. I haven’t answered any of them except I texted this one girl back because I was curious what she wanted and it didn’t require any effort. My dad’s in town and I’m supposed to be helping him with a project. I’m sure I’ll have the project finished by tonight, but I’m just pissed at myself that I’m so depressed I slept all of today off and I haven’t called him back.

I’m not sure where to go from here, but for the rest of today, I’m gonna try and pick my head up and face the world – hoping this will all pass.

I honestly think the problem is that I see all these positive things in my life happening right now and I have a tendency to be negative and lean toward slight depression. I’ve always kinda been okay with that, but since my life is going so well I’m frustrated that I can’t just be happy about it all to the fullest extent. Maybe I need meds.

I wish I could try a few different meds and see how I reacted to them first without having to go through the loopholes of seeing a therapist and talking about my problems.