lots of emotion

I havent cried in awhile but i am tonight, i just want a hug. Yet he’s laying down sleeping tired and annoyed at me because i have an attutide. I’m so stressed out, so much resting on my shoulders now. I’m so bottled up and its so hard to talk, i dont want to bother him. I dont know if i can handle this, i can its just getting to me.

He had a great day and i’m being selfish and crying.

Today he gained temp solo custody of his son. The mother (ex) has been trying to keep them apart and he has stepped away and hasn’t seen his son for a couple months. He decided to go pick him up from daycare and he had a mark on his face where his mother had hit him with a hanger. So we went to the police station and he reported it, there is already an open case about the mother the daycare reported it on thursday to DCF about the bruse on his face right across his temple. The lady cop took pictures of the bruse to add to the file and then we left. So we kept his son for the weekend pending the outcome of the child abuse case that is very slowly being put together. We were thinking they were going to arrest her on monday or something to that effect. So he kept the boy home on monday from daycare. Yet nothing happened with the case and she going about her business. Well today he took him to daycare and then went to talk to the cops about the case they said probably not much is goin to happen because her daughter didnt say anything about any sort of abuse (they talked with the daughter on thursday at the home, she too scarried to say anything with mom around) So he asked what he should do. So he was told to go file paperwork with the town to gain solo custody of his son at least temp until the matter is resolved with the state. He had to go and collect a bunch of paperwork and go back and talk to a judge that approved it and gave a copy to the school so she can’t pick him up. I guess she was served the papers at work/home.  There is a court date to see the outcome of the DCF decision and to hear both sides next week.  So we have the boy until then at least.

I paid my bills for the month that was depressing as hell, every month i just go farther into debt. I’m not really making enough each month to cover the cost of what i’m spending. Yes it could be worse, Its just stressful, my cc is almost maxed out and i’m worried with the added person now expensives will go up even more. More meals and stuff to cook, alot more gas being driven out of the car everyday if he is going to take him the hour drive to daycare. If the custody stays with him permently i hope he takes him out of daycare i cant afford to pay for the daycare and the hour drive.  We have only a couple shirts and underclothes for him. So tonight i went to the store and got some pants and long sleeved shirts and some warmer clothes for daycare. Is this what men feel like?  All this pressure to provide and take care of the family.

We really are engaged and not only that he would like to get married before the year is over. More cost that i’ll eat up with CC. We don’t want a wedding really. Just a justice of peace deal is fine, a marriage liences is only 35$ which isnt bad. I’ve been looking up stuff every night on the internet about prices and all that. I found this cute B&B that lets u get married there and provided a JP to come perform the vows and such but it cost not tons but alot more then i have. I want a dress not a tradition wedding dress just something nice, prom nice more or less, i want to feel beautiful and i just dont see where there will be money for that either. I’m looking into places that buy back jewerly so i can get some money and use it to buy wedding bands for the both of us. I have my old engagement ring and he has the one he gave to his ex, I really like my ring, i created it myself picked every detail and it was made..and thats specia to me but i need to let it go its not gonna do any good sitting in its box the rest of my life, the memory needs to move foward. I just feel like i’ll never have a ring like that again, so its going to suck selling it but its for a good reason and life moves on. I’m trying to plan this elopement so its something special not just a quick 15mins at town hall and nothing else is any different. I want to spend a night in a hotel, away from the mess of home and his son. I’m trying to pick a date that works and trying to fit it all in around work.

today was a crappy day at work the LP guy came in to check into a fraud that happened at my store. And it can’t be explained away it ran over an entire weekend i was out of town and it was all with the same person helping the customer and he just went on about how guilty this guy looks of something fishy. And how he pointed it all out made it look so terrible for his guy, he is coming back thursday to sit down and talk with him in person and if he cant explain how it happened he will be fired. And i dont know how he is going to explain himself out of the questions. He is my top seller in the store a fulltimer with keys and if he isnt working his hours i will have to work them cause i dont have anybody else that can step up and take the hours. OMG i going to be open to close everyday it seems..that stresses me OUT!  cause how am i supposes to plan a wedding(lets call it) and be able to attend these court dates for the custody (which i want to be at for support) and maintain my sanity working 70/80hours a week and trying to hire someone else in and train and i’m picky about who i hire and on and on….. I just cant hold anymore.

My mom is planning to come visit in Nov I was thinking it would be nice to get married while she was here to see it and meet his mother and such, it will be awkward i’m sure but if we are gonna be married they should at least have a conversation. She wants to come up in about a month or so. I havent gotten to talk with her much the past week and she is my ear when i’m stressed but she works different hours and i’m working all the time and cant get a private moment to myself to just vent how i’m feeling.  My sister and her 3kids moved in with my mother. My mother just got a new puppy as well, bad timing but the puppy was free and she’s been talking about it for years. Its good for her to have a dog finally, but with ears always around her its hard to talk like we use to.

I’m happy for him for getting to be with his son, yet at the same time i’m sad for us. His son doesnt know about us, yes he sees us together but not hugging/cuddling nothing close and not really saying anything that might make him think we are together. I thought i could handle it better then what i am, having to hide what i feel for him. Pretending we are just friends. Not being able to hold his hand or even sleep beside him at night or say i love you… i’m not doing well with this. I can’t say whats wrong how my feeling with his son in ear shot i just dont feel comfy talking what could be repeated.  He lays down like 9pm with his son and they sleep together in the living room. I feel like i havent talked to him since he got his son. I cant live like that permently, i cant live in a shell and be denied everything that i love about him.  I feel neglected when his son is around…. how selfish is that?   A kid and a marriage all in the same month, it changes everything.  I told him if it become on going that he does get full custody we are going to have alot to talk about. I dont want to be shoved to the side. how am i ever gonna have my own kid if every cent i have goes toward his, yes i love his son and am willing to take care of the best i can. But he already has a mom and dad i’m just an extra.

lots of feelings and nobody who wants to listen…. i still need a hug :~(