bedtime

dear love

i crawled into bed and i missed you. all i can think bout is you and how much i care. i want you to know that i dont, and have never taken you for granted. you are a gift. sometimes i feel so stupid or silly for loving this much. i love laying beside you, going to bed with you is a treat and that is why i always hope/wish u would come lay with me when you come home. i know you arent tired but i just wanna be cuddled, held. You’ve gone thru a lot of shit to stay with me, having your family torn and the courts, fighting with her.  I wonder, love, if she welcomed you back right now and asked you to move back in, if you’d go. I do everything i can to make you happy. I’m starting to think of a life without my own kids.  why did you ask me that?  if i wanted to have a baby, yes of course i do….when? i dont know that, right now i cant afford anything. I’ll never get to the point where….wait…thought. Do i want a baby right now? I would be thrilled, but i’ll never plan a baby, its gonna have to just happen be an accident. I dont want just a baby, i dont want kids. I want your baby, i want our family. I think that and it brings tears to my eyes cause i know it won’t ever happen. I’m a dreamer who wants to love you forever. I dont know what you want, you take life daily and never look out to see if i’m in the future. You have a family, i’ll be on the outside of that. Why couldn’t i have been her. I gave you everything i have everything i can, and its a little sad knowning i’ll never get it back.

i miss you. your with your babies and i understand that much. but it hurts me when she crawls in bed next to you like she belongs there. 

You have no idea what i would do for you just to see you smile. i give you a gift and you say u wanna marry me, i know you care too. i know we are right together, its not easy to be a couple, but its so powerful.

please tell me what you meant when you said "what if i said i wanted another baby"??

you were right i took the laptop to bed… instead of you…

i love you and that doesnt even describe what i feel yet its the only words that are there. please dont break my heart, please dont make me learn how to become a stranger to myself. you know i’m worth it your just afraid to let her go.

goodnight lover