his sucide

its been awhile since i’ve written, i’ve wanted to just havent had the heart to dig into details of my soul. I’ve been thru a lot of emotional shit since aug. I stood by my man and watched him try to date his ex, every weekend spent at her house yet he’d come home and make love to me. That went on for a few month. I dont know if i was stupid or just strong for sticking beside him.  Its sorta ironic on the anniversary of america falling apart (9-11) i watched him fall to pieces.  All the hope he put into working it out with her all the trying and bending over backward for her, the fighting on the phone, fighting in person……unless bitching.. finally ended with she doesnt want to give him anymore chances she is done with him.  

I’ve never been so scared in my entire life. I went to work like normal, M was home with his son. It must have ate at him, it must have been ripping him apart inside. I got a call while at work, it was 230 he said he was done living, done trying for her, done. He had taken a bunch of pills and he was gonna lay down, he had called to ask me to take care of his son, to come home and take his son home.  He put the phone on speaker and was laying down, barely talking i got very scared i was tearing up in front of the guy i was working with, i sorta explained to him what was going on. He told me go home get it straighten out. I left the store still had my bluetooth on and his phone was still on speaker he wasnt talking anymore. I could hear his son talking to him asking him to wake up. I was racing down the street, i’ve never gotten home so quickly.  While driving i was talking to his son telling him to push him off the bed maybe it would wake him up to go get a cup of water and dump it on him. He son said "i dont think he is gonna wake up, i’m scared" all the while yelling at him and sounding terrified. I whipped my car into the spot backward and ran upstairs, left the key in the front door and walked into the bedroom. I found the man i love laying on the floor, between the dresser and bed, with his shirt wet from the water his son threw on him. I told Jr to get more water, gave him something to keep busy with, i sat on him and SLAPPED him hard in the face, i got no response, he’s chest was still moving, he was still breathing. I kept slapping him and poured water all over his face, Jr kept saying "i dont want daddy to die, wake up daddy"  I told him to get on the bed and somehow managed to get behind him and crandled his head on my lap and was talking to him, he moaned/grunted a bit so i knew he was at least semi there. At this point i had tears running down my face, but i wasnt really crying, i held him in my arms for probably 20mins, contining to check on his breathing.  He had changed his cell phone background to read "i’m sorry i’ll miss ya’ll love you".  Finally he came around enough and was shivering so took off his shirt that was wet and still stayed right there on the floor with his son overlooking from the bed. After awhile, not even sure how much time he came to enough to get up off the floor, took off his wet jeans and layed back down in bed, i layed beside him cradling him to me with one hand holding onto his son. My boyfriend tried to kill himself and the only person he called was me. I’ll never forget coming home and seeing him, i thought he was dead. Probably wondering why i didnt call 911 call for help. Once i saw him breathing i knew it would probably be okay, i didnt want to bring to light this weak moment of his. I had the phone in my hand..ready to..but i thought twice this is private and he asked him on the phone not to call anyone. Don’t judge me for that.  At around 730 when i knew he was okay just sleeping it off i took Jr with me and went back to my store to do the bank stuff. I was supposes to close, my guy was working alone. It was a thursday around 2pm when he took the pills.  The pills he took were for his back and for his panic attacks, i had filled the scribe about two weeks before.

He finally woke up late like 11pm, he was very mad at me for not doing what he said. He was MAD at me for helping him said i couldnt control what he did he had made up his mind. He went to find the pill bottles they were empty, i had flushed every pill in the house, he made him angery too. He had stashed some though.. about 20.. he had in his hand and went to the sink for water and i was physically trying to stop him, crying and holding his hand with the pills i few pills went flying out of his hand onto the floor and he got to the water and drank and with me pulling on his arm he took bout 10-15pills and i was slapping him, he said he didnt care anymore and it was happen all over again… his son soundly sleeping his time though. He walked back toward the bedroom and didnt even make it hanging onto me he dropped on the floor inside the door, pull me down with him and he was laying on the floor again, i grabbed his phone and called his friend, she going to college for mental health field of some sort. I didnt know what i should do. She asked how much he took, she reassured him it wasnt enough to kill him just make him sleep. I’ve never talked to her before that night, maybe she heard me in the background when he was on the phone. I got him a pillow and put it under his head and sat on the floor at his head to keep checking on his breathing and i talking to her for 4hours, we talked all night. I told her everything, we talked bout his ex and i confessed to her what him and i were and how depressed he was. She told me bout herself, her life, her experience with guys and gave advice. Finally when i hung up the phone with her at 430am i managed to wake him up enough to get into bed. It was friday morning i was exhusted and supposes to go into work to open the store at 9am. I layed down beside him for a awhile and then woke up and called, the guy that had closed and asked him to open the store i wouldnt be coming in, I am so thankful for him for being understanding i leaned on him and he stood strong, i have a new respect for him. My store opened a hour and half late, oh well.  I went back to bed slept just a couple hours and woke again for Jr to make breakfast and play with him. I order food for my guy that was gonna be stuck at work all day alone, he was surpised and thankful, i told him i would probably be over later to do the bank stuff. When my love woke up in the early afternoon he was still very mad at me for interfearing, for helping him, mad probably because he was still alive.  He wrapped a cord around his neck and tied it to the bed so it was tight, i had to fight with him until i could cut the string. he tied an extention cord also a fight to free it from him, he slept.  I looked up an hotline number and called, i could take it anymore on my own if he was gonna try to kill himself over and over i couldnt contiue to fight it off, i was afraid to let him out of my sight. I called and told of the situation just the overview no details and she had the nerve to say i was STUPID..that i was just helping him die because i hadnt called help the day before. She gave me a number of a local response team and i hung up the phone… she was very unhelpful and mean, where is the support?

Finally friday afternoon, because i wouldnt let him out of my sight we all

went to the Ex’s house to drop Jr home this was probably 5/6pm, he even i had to go to my store before it closed. He dropped his son off came back in the car and drove off, we got gas and he was driving not to far he pulled over and put the car in park at a closed car wash and got out. I thought he would get back in the car…i was wrong.  When i saw him walking, i hopped over and drove up beside him he walked away from me. The road was 4lanes across speed limit 50, but ppl travel faster then that it was raining outside and getting dark… he waits a sec and then just walks out into the road…I thought i was gonna watch him get hit by a car…he somehow managed to get across the road and started walking, i pulled out in the direction he was walking he saw me and turned around… i got to the next light a bit down the road and got a chance to turn around… and he was walking into a field area next to the road between business. I pulled in and tried to talk him back in the car, he wasnt having it and walked away again. I had enough, i called his mother and told he was depressed and tried walking into traffic, she told me to put him on the phone he wouldnt.. i got out of the car (still raining) and went over to him and put it on speaker phone so she could talk to him and he listened but didnt say anything back. She talked for half an hour as i walked around beside him holding the phone up to his ear so he could head walking every where he did. His mother told me call the police if i needed to, i couldnt do that to him.. but i was getting to my breaking point. His mother called the Ex explained and then the Ex called my phone and again speaker…he didnt say much and she didnt help..she asked where we were and then 15mins later she and the kids and all i driving and pulled into the parking area and we were still in the middle of the field. They were yelling for him but he ingoring him, they didnt get out..nothing. After a couple mins she drove off didnt come back. I sent a text to my store and said he had to the bank thing i wasnt gonna make it there.  He walked back closer to the road i was right beside him the whole way. We stood in the pouring raining completely soaked for 3hours at least it was dark by the time he finally went back to the car and we drove back to her house and she didnt want to talk then either.  I drove home.

Friday night was at least stable compared to the last 24hours, Sat i didnt go to work either same guy covered me all day alone in the store, i toyed with the idea of calling the DM and quitting my job because i didnt want to leave him alone. I felt very guilty for not going on sat. He was a turn around, we went out shopping with his daughter he got new clothes, we picked Jr up and went to the barbershop (he’s never taken me anywhere in his town) we got food he took them home, we went back home and for the first time in two days i left him in the house after he swore he wouldnt try anything and i went to my store to check in.  Sunday i went to work as normal. It was until a few days later he stopped me being mad at me for helping him.

And he wonders why NOW i hate the fucking cunt ass EX bitch of his.. i cant even stand to hear her name it reminds me of this weekend and how he was gonna kill himself over her….she rejected him.

Whats really scary is…he left her alone completely for about a month and now i’m starting to see the hope crawling back to him.. hope of getting back with her of having his family back…..it almost killed him before….i cant watch it again.

Please dont do that to youself, dont open yourself up to get hurt by her again.  I love you too much and all she does it toy with your heart.