my heart cracking

i fell fast asleep
woke up in a nightmare
if i ever woke at all
the pain too hard
to see past the exiti
i gave in
i needed release
a sting to draw my focus away
my heart cracking
skin doing the same
God just take me away
i cannot substain so much pain
 

We are still together as of right, but the pain of hearing he was going back to her shattered my world. I cut just to let it out to get some relief. I took 3asprin and went to sleep. Morning came and he was here listened some more to how much he cares bout her, that the hope  he felt the day before of reforming his family was lost. She has moved on, he jealous of her looks toward someone else. Where do I fit in?  If he’s going to chase her its so much more appealing to presue someone whos let go.I respect his honesity for telling me how he feels, whats on his mind, the conversation between the two of them. He doesnt know what to do, he loves us both but with her theres kids involded. I  feel like a mistake. Cant he see how much its hurting me to know he might go after her. Am i just a home and a car to drive. He loves me that i am sure, i trust him to break my heart. I do so much i want to know that means something that i’m not just being taken advantage of. I’m in love and treat him like my world, he cant give back and i cant let go. He wont be happier with her. He’s a fool to leave someone like me when i treat him so well. I’m not mad or angry with him for hurting me like this, i still have hope that we will move past this bump. And with that hope i sit and listen to everything he feels. I’m sorry you sometimes see my tears when i love someone this much i cant just control how i feel.

Maybe tomorrow or the next he will realize what i already have i might be the best love but he’ll leave me in the end. So much from learning from mistakes he left her to leave me and it wont be the same. The children will see the unknown pain grow up thinking relationships will be just that, painful and thats as good as it gets. Maybe you’ll leave and be happy, i want u to be happy but in doing so you will come to see i was a mistake, choosing me meant choosing something more diffucult then u could deal with. I will be a memory that will follow with why did i leave my family. I know you dont see it now but when your lieing in bed with her u’ll wish u didnt have this secret to hide, thats how i am the mistake.

Maybe you’ll stay and figure it out how to be the best daddy and still be with me. Middle ground does really exist if you both would just stop playing your kids on each others hearts. Your child deserve so much better then to be just pawns, going back wont change that and staying wont. Yet its how you solve a problem instead of gawling at is source.

I hope you find your way
we are all waiting to see
if we can love you the same way

The past is memories but the future can be too.